When your spouse finally learns that you’ve caught him or her cheating – in one way or another – what’s the usual reaction?
They get defensive. They cover it up. They minimize it. And they’re not the ones reading this post. You are. The one that got cheated on.
And you have to figure out what to do next.
You love them. Yes, you love them in spite of this. Everyone’s telling you you’re hurting yourself. They’re telling you you’ve got to let go. They’re telling you this person is NO GOOD. But for some reason, you’re not listening. You’re stuck.
You’re intelligent. You’re educated. You have a brain that knows better. Why are you stuck in this nightmare?
This nightmare of feeling your heart beating out of your skin because you can’t be sure what your next discovery will be?
There was the time when you innocently borrowed their phone and you could not believe what you saw.
And the excuses and deflections you got. You wanted, so very, very badly to believe the excuses. There was a part of you that DID believe them. You’re a good soul. You were thinking: This person I’ve known for years and years would not do that to me!
But you couldn’t get what you saw out of your head. Like a traumatic attack in a back alley, the image keeps coming back to you and you are tormented by it.
You’re tormented with questions, too: Is this real? Am I living in some sort of horrible nightmare that I will wake up from? Can we get the old days back? Can we just forgive, get back to normal and move on? Can we pretend this didn’t happen?
You would like all and any of those choices, wouldn’t you?
They keep you going from day to day…..until the next discovery. Another violation. Another betrayal. How COULD they?
Your breathing is shallow and comes in gasps. Your head hurts. Your stomach is sick. You cannot think clearly. Sleep is an old, forgotten friend left down the road months ago. This is AWFUL.
And there are times when the nightmare goes away, and you are lulled into a false sense of daily normal, a false sense of being okay. Except you aren’t. If you’re brave, you go forward and hunt for more “evidence” so that you don’t have to remain in this limbo. You don’t know whether finding the evidence is worse or not knowing is worse. Finding the evidence at least keeps you connected to reality, terrifying as it is.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO??
First, you have to do some soul searching. What do you want? If, in spite of this, you want to keep the marriage, then you have to be certain that your partner also does.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that since there was cheating, that proves that your partner doesn’t love you or want to keep the marriage. According to Divorce Magazine, although cheating is a strong reason for divorce, 70% of couples keep the marriage even though one cheated.
There are a lot of reasons for cheating, but the biggest one is feeling disconnected from each other – emotionally, sexually, and mentally.
So the question really becomes: Do you both want to reconnect? Do you want to love each other again? Do you want to find common ground, things to be excited to share?
Do you want happiness?
Because if you do – if you both do – it’s doable. Not easy, but doable. There’s a lot of healing necessary and each of you needs to be patient with the other. Neither one of you ever allowed yourself to be totally connected to the other. Total connection means being vulnerable – and that is scary. But see, if you are ready now to go into that uncharted territory, you may be awaiting something amazing and beautiful.
Yes, the journey is scary. And it’s difficult. But if you want to learn how to get there, you should book a call with me. https://drdeb.com/book