This poor woman sat in my office weeping; she thought she was going crazy. We’ll call her Caroline. Here’s what happened: Her husband, we’ll call him Phil, decided that she was having an affair. She insisted she wasn’t, but he refused to believe her. Attacking a person with false accusations is abuse.
He started questioning every second of her day; it became a grilling. Not only didn’t he let up, but the stony silence of dinner was replaced after she’d fallen asleep at 2AM with more grilling. Needless to say, Caroline couldn’t readily fall asleep after that. She finally drifted into a disturbed sleep around 5 only to be awakened by her alarm an hour later.
In the morning, she came unglued, shouting and screaming. The children were frightened and Phil rushed to “protect” them from their “crazy” mother. This was the last straw. Now fear was added to distress and anger. Fear of losing her children. She called me for an emergency visit.
“You’re not crazy,” I told her. “Your reactions are consistent with a person under stress who is deprived of sleep, and who feels there is no exit.”
How many people out there think their reactions are crazy? How many of you are worried about this? Being calm in the face of attacks, especially false attacks, is highly unusual. That level of calmness tells me that either a person has been doing yoga meditation all his life or that he is emotionally cut off from his feelings. Now, that would be something to be concerned about.
In other words, it is normal to become upset, and normal to become highly upset when relentlessly attacked, especially falsely attacked, combined with threats to remove the children, however subtle these are. It’s normal also to lose it in the face of sleeplessness. If you remember, one of the reasons that the Guantanomo prisoners were considered to have been tortured was sleep deprivation. So this is another form of emotional abuse.
Sleep Deprivation Combined With False Accusations Will Produce Bad Reactions
This is from WedMD (webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide): “Too little sleep may cause:
- Memory problems
- Depression
- A weakening of your immune system, increasing your chance of becoming sick
- Increase in perception of pain”
Note, please, my previous post which shows that people experience physical and emotional pain in the same center of the brain. Now, that’s interesting, isn’t it?
My bottom line here is that if a person who is
—falsely
—and relentlessly
—attacked
—and threatened
—and deprived of sleep
doesn’t act upset, then I’d be worried there is something wrong.
Finally, Caroline calmed down enough for us to plan exactly how she should handle her jealous husband.
I need help in this same area and I have tried to find where to seek answers from someone and I just don’t feel like I have found the right place until now.
Why not give me a call on Monday and we can discuss it? My phone number is 646-54-DRDEB (646-543-7332)
I have been married 19yr my husband has been accusing me of cheating. I go to work on my monthly cycle and he accuses me of messing around. Work is my only break from home and the kids . I have no outside friends. I started chating, because I felt lonely but that is not cheating. Now he wants me to call him from work to prove I’m there and I have young kids and I need to make this work .all these years later and I feel wronged the way he is treating me because he thinks something is going on
Really, your goal should be to fix the marriage, not avoid it. Chatting IS cheating because it is emotionally connecting with someone else. What needs to happen is for you and your husband to go to marriage counseling with a highly qualified therapist. Check my article in this blog on how to find one.
My husband has been falsely accusing me for over 2 yrs. he also has been doing cocaine for 3 yrs. he was always kinda jealous even over my own family, friends through the years. I have learned to tune him out when he’s arguing just like right now he is arguing at me. He keeps saying he’s going to beat the crap out of his 22 yr old nephew. We raised his nephew a few yrs. he was like a son to us! He is horrible to me going on and on! His drug problem caused his mind to be like this, but I can’t handle much more of this. I been trying to leave so he will get help. He just keeps saying I want him gone to rehab so I can keep doing what I’m doing behind his back. We have a 15 yr old son that has to live in this. I guess that’s why he drowns his self in his ps4 (my 15 yr) my husband and I have been together 29 yrs. he makes me sick to my stomach the way he treats me. I pray there is hope for us.
You need to be VERY strong. Your husband has been dying a slow death! You must put some leverage over his head to get him to wake up and get clean! Do not wait one more day!
Thank you I am trying to move out because the abuse is so tough. And he demands sex all the time that I can’t keep up. I feel like a sex object and a mental case myself. We have a home in another county that I’m trying to move back in to. Just got to get the power turned on when I have the money. Most of all our bills are in my name. I know you’re right about what I must do. Thanks again.
🙂
I hve been living this abuse for 2 years n its from my boyfriend… N he has gotton worse to the point he will grab me up n leave bruses on me n later he ask abt them n wen i tell him he will lie n say i got them cz he was trying to protect himself from me swing at him… N i never did.. He lies all the time…n he really saids alot of foul foul things to me… But he never ever will c wat he is doing n saying…. He twisted it around to all be me… N its not.. I hve never been like ths my whole life… N I have never been with somebody tat is so hateful n so miserable in life than him…
Tell him he is abusive and this needs to stop. He needs to go to a men’s violence group to learn how. That is step #1 and I would suggest you make that threat real by telling him – and keeping your promise – that either you or he will move out until such time as the violence stops.
The best thing that ever happened to me, my Mr Wonderful…. recently disclosed that he’s thought for nearly TWO years of our 4 yr relationship – that I cheated! In this time he says he’s tried, because he loves (loved) me. But he’s also said he’s built up resentments in this last 2 yrs, little things that he can’t ignore any longer.
Adding to this… his best friend is dying, likely soon.
He refuses to go to couples counselling, stating “it’s not my thing “.
I did NOTHING wrong, in any form of cheating. I swear!
I don’t want to leave… our life & love, the place we live, the safety I have (had) here.
Hi Alana- sorry it took me so long to see your comment. He could be using his own paranoia as a way of avoiding closeness. After the first two years, the closeness you started to have may have frightened him. I am only guessing as I have no more information than that. I would like to invite you to my FB group where you can get lots of help both from me and from the others in the group: It’s called Getting The Marriage You Want and located at this url: https://www.facebook.com/groups/drdebsmyw/