The prevailing wisdom is that if someone is a narcissist, they cannot change so you have to leave them. And you have total proof because YOUR narcissist did not change. You ranted. You raved. You ignored. You threatened. You’re sorry to say you even had an affair. And nothing, absolutely nothing worked. So that’s your proof. Oh, and you went with your narcissist to therapy and the therapist even said to leave him or her.
So you’re right. In most cases, the reason the narcissist doesn’t change is because they don’t want to make that effort, so they don’t.
But if you understand the psychology of a narcissist, you will see that it is not quite so simple. There are narcissists who, when shown the beautiful way the world could look for them if they were to change, are willing to take the leap. But, hold up on that a moment. Let’s first get clear on what makes a narcissist in the first place:
Little bratty children can be narcissists in the making, depending on whether Mom has the courage to punish or at least not give them toys and treats when they don’t deserve them. When mom’s are too tired to fight any more, you’re in the kind of trouble that creates narcissists.
So narcissists are people who are used to getting their own way. As kids, they raised a ruckus and got what they wanted because their parents were tired of the battles.
But there is a huge, huge problem for this child when that happens. The child is just a child, remember. So “getting their own way” means the kinds of things children want – toys, treats, staying up, playing games, not going to school. And we all know that these things don’t make anyone happy for long. Including the children. Go to any elementary school and you will see that the happiest children have friends. And their friends like them because they’re kind and easy going as well as fun.
True, there are bullies who gather sycophants around them but this does not give them happiness because it’s built on shallow ground. The friendship is not real; it comes from the fear the other children have of being left out. These other children don’t have enough self esteem to make real friends so they bask in the shadow of the bully. So the bully doesn’t count as a person who is genuinely happy.
The child who was over-indulged and only knows to want “things” has no real clue as to how to make friends and be REAL in relationships. Speaking of being real, the biggest fear the narcissist has is of anyone – especially themself – discovering that they have nothing inside. They’re empty. And the reason is just as we said: they missed the opportunity in childhood to develop a real “self.” A child who is given discipline and requirements develops skills at listening, behaving, and doing. That child learns to “read” his parents and teachers. The child who is indulged learns none of this. They don’t know how to “be” in relationships. There’s no giving, no understanding, no “reading” of the other person. There’s no joy in helping a friend out. There are no little secrets. The narcissist was basically deprived of a real childhood.
And without these tools, that child grows up missing out on relating in an adult way to others. The narcissist, however, has learned to cover all this up – from himself or herself, especially. They cover it up by never, ever, for one moment, thinking about their feelings and certainly not about yours. They never were given the tools to do so, but in any case, the process would be too scary because then they would discover that there is nothing inside of them: no values, no principles, no ethics. Nothing. The emptiness would be terribly painful. But, as I said, they’ve learned to push away that emptiness. They don’t go near it.
That is the reason why, without any intervention at all, your first conclusion – that they don’t want to change – would be correct.
However, there are cases under which they must face their emptiness and do something about it:
*they’ve gone to rehab for an addiction that they used to help not feel their emptiness.
*they’ve suffered an unexpected blow in life such as losing a business or huge investment.
*they actually do love their child or children and are about to lose them.
*they love you and are about to lose you.
Now, you might wonder how it is possible for them to love you or their children. The answer to that is actually easy: They are empty so to feel whole, they need someone else in their life. That is why narcissists marry. If they were REALLY okay to be alone, they wouldn’t.
And that is the reason why your threats to leave are so scary to them: They will be stuck all alone with themselves.
But this actually puts you in an excellent position to get them to start taking steps in the right direction. If they want you and they want the marriage, that gives you leverage. Leverage is a wonderful tool for you to use. Now, I agree, you’re fed up. When you say you are finished, you mean it. Of course you are! Under the old way, there would be no reason for you to try again.
But now, you have me in the picture, and a whole, organized, comprehensive set of steps to get this narcissist on track to be a whole, giving, and happy human being. It is possible, however unlikely that seems to you now. If he/she wants you badly enough and will do the work, we can do big things! Book a call together at https://drdeb.com/book