“We could never have a peaceful discussion.”“Every time I want to talk about my feelings, I get accused of picking on him/her”
“No matter how many pleasant requests I’ve made to stop [ X ] it doesn’t stop. I get no respect.”“We haven’t slept together in [ Y ] moths/years”
“I think we just fell out of love”
“We only talk about the kids, nothing meaningful between us”
Yup, these are all great examples of bad marriages.Marriages teetering over the cliff.
The question is: What if you could talk peacefully….?….discuss feelings safely?
….share household and emotional burdens lovingly?
….have passionate and loving sex?
….fall back in love with each other better than before?
Now, you might have an automatic thought, “No way, won’t work.”
And that’s because of all the failures you know about –-
past counseling that didn’t work
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programs you took that didn’t work
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friends who tried “everything” that didn’t work
And I’m here to say, “They didn’t work. But our approach here WILL work and there is evidence to prove it no matter how bad the marriage.”
Why?
Why am I so sure it will work?
Let me quickly throw in that there are three very specific circumstances where it won’t work:1. One spouse refuses to look inside.
As they say, it takes two to tango. Not only that, it takes two to communicate. Both partners have to be willing to look at their own feelings, behaviors, and thoughts or attitudes – even the person who is nice, kind, logical, and reasonable has to examine their inner workings.
2. Both spouses are on board but one spouse “knows” the other one is the “sick” one or the “crazy” one.
I have lots and lots of posts and lives on this topic. Comment below if you want some links. Basically, we at Love Yourself Love Your Marriage don’t see it that way. We see both people as…<gasp!> human!
And humans need to look inside and figure out if they were making the best choices after all. (Here you can circle back to #1 above.) Meaning: both spouses have to take responsibility for their own actions, thoughts, and feelings.
3. Both spouses get started and work seriously on themselves and think that a magic wand will change them automatically by the time they complete DrDeb’s intensive course.
Both spouses may actually change by the end of the course, but most likely not. No one I know became a champion ice-skater, basketball player, pianist, or cook in four months. There’s something called practice because normal humans will take a step back every so often until they make the new feelings and attitudes theirs.Got that?
“Normal humans will take a step back every so often until they make the new feelings and attitudes theirs.“
For example, if you’re not used to feeling good then you might very well bring on troubles just to feel real.See, if good feels unreal and bad feels real, then real is still the more comfortable feeling.
As an extreme example, how does that guy feel who went to jail for drugs and makes the decision to go straight? A bit weird, most likely, when he’s being looked up to as a role model for that turn-around.It will take some time getting used to the new “him.” (Either that, or he becomes a recidivist and ends up back in his comfort zone – jail.)
I just got a message yesterday from former clients who ended work with me a few years ago and were doing much better at that time but not, in my opinion, all the way “there.”But as of yesterday, they were doing great. Literally. Happy, connected, free of stress.
How?
I think it just took some time for the ideas and feelings and attitudes to jell but they had all the potential inside them. You plant in the fall and reap in the spring.Aside from those caveats, why am I so sure it willwork?
To take the opposite of what I just said –
If two people are both on board and both take responsibility and are willing to look inside themselves for their reactions even if they didn’t “start” any problems …… and they also are patient with the process and keep at it as long as it takes – yes, even for a year or two …
…then it will work and I would guarantee it if my licensing board would allow me to.
Why:-
Our approach here at Love Yourself Love Your Marriage is based on proven methods. Each method has already been shown to work, in some cases with thousands of pieces of research.
As just one example, deep breathing has been shown to change the sympathetic nervous system’s reactions to stress.
If you add meditation to that, you’ve got a powerful method of putting your head into a better place.There are literally thousands of pieces of research on both these aspects.
And I came up with a proprietary tweak that is pivotal for people who say they can’t meditate or breathe deeply because their heads are too full of bothersome thoughts.Another proven method that is also evidence-based is Internal Family Systems. I love this method because it starts out on the basis that we have inside of us all the skills and qualities we need to succeed.
What we’re struggling with, according to IFS, is the force of our defenses keeping our natural skills and qualities from showing up.Again, I came up with a proprietary method of handling IFS work with couples so that no one feels put on the spot and each person can do his or her healing individually until they’re ready to come together.
I then collected about six more proven methods of therapy and combined them in a way that each one becomes a stepping stone to the next.So having proven methods is the first reason why I’m totally convinced that we can turn around the most miserable marriages (providing the three conditions are met that I bring out above).
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I myself have seen strong, positive results of applying these methods in my Love Yourself Love Your Marriage program.
In fact, I’ve had many people right here in this group tell me that they made changes just from the information here in the group, without even enrolling in my program!
Generally, people in that category have already spent years in intensive – and helpful – therapy (not all therapy is helpful, unfortunately).They also might have not suffered as much trauma in childhood as those who need more than what the group offers.
Or they at least had sources of support and reality-testing during their childhood to combat the effects of trauma.
How much time it takes to think, reflect, feel, feel better in fact, depends on the individual.
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I do believe that people were not created to be a mess. I believe we were created to be amazing, capable, successful people – provided we grabbed hold of tools that can help us fix the mess.
Yes, sometimes it takes work. Sometimes lots of work. But we have it within us to overcome whatever obstacles there are; we have the natural ability to do so. When you take these points together:— that the tools have years of research behind them and are based on evidence
–and that I’ve seen the positive outcomes with my own eyes
–and that people have the capability within them to succeed if they use these tools
–then it makes sense that I am totally convinced it can work for you.
Agree or disagree?