If you’re new to this group, that title is certainly confusing. Don’t worry! My livestream on Thursday will dig deep into what parts are, what Self energy is, and the rest of what IFS (Internal Family Systems) is about.But for now, the simple explanation is that sometimes we do things that we wish we didn’t.
Sometimes it seems as if we got taken over by an alien force!
And we would be correct from an IFS point of view. Because there are “parts” of us that are not who we really are that sometimes do take control of us.This group will teach you, little by little, how to take back that control among other things. Just keep reading the posts and watching the lives.
In any case, I’m the founder of this group, and I’m supposed to have taken control back from those embarrassing parts, right?Wrong.
The reality is that it’s a life-long process of asserting Self leadership over parts of us which don’t always follow social rules.The good news is that it gets easier over time and taking back control no longer feels like a war within yourself.
Well anyway, here’s my story.
About a week ago – it was over this holiday – I went out to run an errand and my car was blocked by a blue truck that was parked on the wrong side of the apartment driveway.Everyone who lives here knows to park in a line on one side of the driveway so that cars can come and go on the other.
And even if you didn’t know, the owner of the blue truck had to see that my car would be stuck if he was parked where he was.I went to all the neighbors and rang their bells but no luck. One neighbor might have been gone because there were some newspapers by the door. Anyway, they didn’t respond to the bell.
I was annoyed.
Finally a man came out of the one apartment that hadn’t responded to the bell.“Are you the person who is blocking the driveway?” I asked.
He got mad right away and lit into me with a story about how he was bringing his father food and his father told him that was his spot so the son should park there.He added that he hated coming because someone would always be mad at him for how he parked.
And he concluded by saying, “You’re inappropriate. Totally inappropriate!” He got in his truck, slammed the door, and tore off.Question: Was good ol DrDeb inappropriate?
If you tuned into our last livestream on zoom, you got sent a booklet which included a list of all the qualities of Self energy.
Such things as patience, kindness, and connection are on it.
In my greeting to this stranger- during a holiday, no less – was I any of those things?Nope. I wasn’t.
I wasn’t hopping mad. I wasn’t irritable. But I wasn’t pleasant, friendly, and warm, either. Not very neighborly, you might say.You’d be right if you admitted that I was a wee bit aggressive, a bit critical.
So I clearly wasn’t in Self energy.
But…..
I totally get it if you pointed out that he was in the wrong in the first place.Not only was he mistaken, but I’m guessing he was looking to start a fight by parking in a way that would block the driveway since he could see that he was blocking people.
And the comment that something is always wrong with his parking gives a clue that my guess is probably right.Doesn’t that entitle me to get back at him?
Um…no.
Still, why am I being so hard on myself?
I’m actually not being hard. I’m not beating myself up. But, then again, I clearly wasn’t in Self energy. It’s a fact. I reacted — or parts of me did.Now, you might be tempted to rush to my defense saying, “But he provoked you!”
And THAT is my exact point.
The goal is to take action when needed, not re-act.
Got that?
The goal of all the work that we can do together, here in this group, or when you enroll to work with our team privately, is to not RE-act.Here, you might want to ask: Why not? What’s so bad about reacting? It is normal, after all.
Excellent question with an excellent answer. Just take this in:Once the parts of you that get annoyed, have to be right, feel entitled, or feel like a victim and are REactive, rather than being the initiators of action, then that means you are under someone else’s control.
They’re controlling you!
And you let them!
Think about it: When you react, you become a slave to their agenda.See?
And when you don’t react, you’re a free person; you’re liberated.
This is a great reason why being in Self energy feels so good. You’re no one’s slave and you’re under no one’s agenda.Speaking of agenda, what was mine? You know, when I greeted him by asking him if he was the one who blocked the driveway?
Honest answer: I wanted him to feel bad for inconveniencing me. Then, when he apologizes, in a way, he pays me back.That’s not Self energy!
Self doesn’t set out to make people feel bad!
Even if he troubled me.
Even if he threw my schedule off by a half hour.
Self doesn’t react.
Self charts its own course. Self is free!
Even when the other person is in the wrong.
Because it’s not about the other person. It’s about me. Or you.
Now, you might say, “Wait a minute, DrDeb. You’re human. You’re entitled to have feelings.”Yes, that’s correct. And a part of me could mention to me – not to him – that it is annoyed.
My Self can respond to that part of me with, “I get that. But I’d rather not feel annoyed on this beautiful, sunny day. Why do I have to be annoyed when I can just let this guy go? Why should his issues dictate to me how I should feel?”Nothing, after all, can take back the lost half hour.
Not only that, since there is (in my belief system) a good reason for everything, there must have been a good reason for this….Maybe it was to share it with you.
Too bad he was yelling so much I couldn’t tell him he was correct when he said I was inappropriate. See, the only person I have to be responsible for is myself. How freeing is that?Right now, I feel really good about this.
And you?