Mike was pretty unhappy. He said he didn’t want to think about the possibility that his wife would end the marriage. He spoke with great pain about that fight they had in which the horrible “D” word was uttered.
As we were going through the call and I was trying to understand how things went down, I made the — incorrect — assumption that this bad fight had happened in the last few days.
Wrong.
“So when did this happen?” I casually asked about a half hour later.
“Oh, that was two years ago.”
What????
Two years ago???
“Why did you wait till now to reach out to me?”
“Well, I thought things would get better.”
How?
How could things get better when you do not know what made them bad?
How can things get better when very clearly your wife must have been frantic with pain and frustration two years ago?
And *did* things get better?
Of course not. Why would they? He described the icy wall he lives behind, the things that maybe she was doing that he was terrified to look into further.
GUYS, WAKE UP!!
The women are tired of waiting for you to not step up to the plate.
If only that was the only man who said the same things. But it seems like droves of the men are doing the exact same thing as Mike.
Which means they’re doing nothing.
Well, something. They’re waiting.
Hoping things will change based on absolutely no new learning, no new behaviors, no new attitudes.
No interest in getting help.
My hair is turning gray from these men! And I imagine their wives’ hair is too.
Oh, yes, there is one step they often take to show they want things different. They say, “Come to marriage counseling with me.” Well, I have news for you, men: The women aren’t going.
It’s for the same reason that they aren’t explaining to you one more time what the problem is.
And that happens to be the same reason that they have built a wall and are heading out the door: They’re done explaining when you weren’t listening.
When you were just content regardless of their pain.
They want you to be the man.
The man knows what to do. The man takes leadership. The man understands their needs. The man understands his own needs and how to articulate them. The man “gets” them at the deepest core. The man takes action immediately to resolve the problem. The man does not wait two years to get around to reaching out for help.
Men, it’s time to become different.
You cannot remain a wilting lily. You cannot remain scared of being who you were meant to be.
You cannot sit back and keep expecting your wife to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. It’s not going to happen. Her muscles weren’t made for that. You’ve got to learn to do it.
If you don’t, the thing you fear most will happen. And it will happen because of you.
It’s better to face your fears and be the man.
If you are confused, I get it. Book a call to get some help. But, please, do not bother if you can’t make a decision. Do not bother if you will not be 100% committed to making the changes you need to make.
Once you’ve made the call, we will figure out the steps you need to take. I will tailor my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching and 1:1 therapy program to your needs.
This program will open your ability to understand your wife and move forward bravely. It’s components include getting Taming Your Triggers, Self-Validation, and Compassionate Honesty – the ability to speak your truth in a way that uplifts the marriage and deepens the relationship.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to rewire your brain. By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And I make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Whether we work together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them.
So book a time that works for you and we’ll talk. https://drdeb.com/book
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