Suzie was crying as she related to me all her attempts to convince her therapist that she was not ready for divorce.
Lazy therapist: But he is a cheater. How will you ever trust him again?
Suzie: I get it. I don’t know. That’s what you’re for. To help me with that!
Lazy therapist: You remember he came in once. He didn’t convince me he would stop.
Groan.
Hello, lazy therapist?
It is your job to treat that problem, remember? If Suzie’s husband were a drug addict, you’d get him to agree to get himself into treatment, right?
If Suzie’s husband refused to get into treatment, you’d help Suzie with some strategies to get him there, wouldn’t you? What’s the difference between one vice or another?
“My husband is a good man,” Suzie said to me. “Maybe it’s my fault. I carped at him. I nagged. I was never happy. I know that cheating is wrong. It’s evil. I’m not giving him a free pass. But I have to take responsibility.
“I told my therapist that I wanted to work on being a better me and he agreed. Next thing you know he suggested I start dating. Whaaaa?”
Jane flew into rages, uncontrollable rages.
Jim was fed up and lazy therapist#2 told him to get a divorce.
“But I still love my wife,” Jim explained.
It didn’t matter. Lazy therapist#2 thought he could manage to convince Jim how shortsighted he was.
I thought therapy was about healing. That’s the translation of the word. Not about bullying a client into swallowing your world view.
Jim related to me the story of his wife’s early child abuse, so he felt sorry for her and couldn’t bear to just leave her.
Lazy therapist#2 apparently has not read the thirty-year accumulation of research on the relationship between trauma and violent acting out. It’s the trauma that needs to be healed; the acting out will dissipate by itself.
Mark and Meghan were hesitant to talk to me. After all, the last thing they wanted was another round of pointless arguments and finger-pointing.
“It was awful. We were so full of hope when we went to that therapist. And in a short time we found ourselves rehashing old garbage. We were utterly exhausted after an hour and wondered what the point was. We left there terrified of speaking to another therapist,” Meghan said.
“He asked me to come in by myself so I figured okay, may as well give one more shot. He told me my husband was a narcissist and would never change. Can you imagine? After one session? He said I should get a divorce.”
Did lazy therapist #3 ever hear of the need to help a narcissist build up the missing self-esteem so that he’ll stop compensating for the hole in his heart with foolish and vain self-bloating?
“Shoshana is very depressed,” Steve said. She will not take her meds; she absolutely refuses. She mopes around the house. She doesn’t clean or cook. I have to do all of it. The children need me when I come home and I’m already exhausted from a long day at work. This is more than I can handle!”
But lazy therapist#4 told him to get a divorce so he can have the decent and enjoyable life he was entitled to.
Is that the way to “help” a depressed person?
I totally get that the ethical limits of the profession restrict therapists from reaching out to unwilling prospective clients. But can’t he do something that would not be perceived as labeling her or looking down at her as “sick”? Perhaps he can write her a short and friendly note inviting her to explain to him how Steve has caused her to come to the pit of despair.
Steve might not like that so much, especially when he is such a “good guy.” But maybe he is contributing in some way, who knows? At least Shoshana no longer feels like the sick one.
But lazy therapist#4 can’t be bothered thinking outside the box, especially to be open to the possibility that Steve and Shoshana may be reacting to each other. That’s systemic thinking that is too troublesome. Give her some pills and shut her up. Or get a divorce.
I’ve actually been shocked to learn just how many therapists out there encourage divorce. To me, divorce is the last resort and I recommend it once in ten years.
I created a program that bypasses the pointless blame-fests of the typical marriage counseling office, empowers each person in the relationship, heals past pain through using the latest university-based research on what works, capitalizes on the human tendency to make decisions with our emotions so as to assist couples to fall in love with each other again, and creates the intimacy and passion that is the essence of a connected marriage.
So call me a workaholic. I’m not going to be the lazy one. Just talk to me and find out for yourself. https://drdeb.com/book.