Someone named Mr. Edwards asked me if his wife was “ready” for marital therapy because he didn’t think she was. The question puzzled me. Why does anyone have to be ready? You just do it.
Like the time, when I was about 8 years old in summer camp and I stood in diver’s pose ready to dive head first into the water… for a half hour. I didn’t have the nerve to just do it. Finally, I just did it – and it was wonderful! So exciting, so exhilarating!
But we often let fear stop us from doing wonderful things.
Fear was implanted within us to be used in moderation, like eating delicious food should be done in moderation, or even sleeping needs to be done in moderation (unless you’re sick). In moderation, fear keys us up a bit before a performance, a speech, a talk with the boss. This is good. The flow of adrenaline creates a state of alertness that we wouldn’t otherwise have.
By narrowing the blood vessels, adrenaline increases blood pressure. This, in turn, speeds up heart rate. It also expands the lungs, brings calories to the muscles, and even dilates the eyes’ pupils a bit. All these are useful before a test and before a debate.
But therapy is neither a test nor a debate. It is not a performance and there is no boss, either.
So what is the fear about?
And what was he, Mr. Edwards afraid of?
We are often afraid of what our spouse will say about us. That may be our biggest fear.
People are often afraid of even a bigger “adversary” – themselves. They often spend a good deal of time beating themselves up and they are justifiably afraid that in therapy, they will have to face those characteristics in themselves that they would rather not look at.
But the reality is that they’re already hating themselves because of these imagined flaws and the best thing they can do for themselves is shine a spotlight on them to see how innocuous they really are.
And even if you think I’m wrong – that these flaws are not at all innocent but rather terrible – there is always a good reason for their existence in your makeup. You created them as a means of survival at a time in your life when you knew no other thing. And they worked – they enabled you to survive.
So, you see, there is really no reason to be afraid of facing yourself, either.
If this is true, then how did Mr. Edwards come to the conclusion that his wife was not “ready”?
Another possibility is that he thought that his wife was not “ready” to hear “the truth” about her from his lips.
Ah! Now that is a line I’ve heard before!
Someone believes he has the unvarnished truth “about” his spouse and is bursting to share it because once the spouse “knows” and hears it in the neutral, safe space of the therapy office, then all problems will magically be resolved.
Sorry to inform you, Sir, but….
There is no such thing as you having “truth.” Only God has the Truth. And we have our biases! One spouse never can objectively share information about the other because he or she is not objective!
Now, Mr. Edwards will argue that “facts are facts.” That is true. But people have a funny way of presenting only the facts that make their point and leaving out others.
Today, I was talking to Mr. Fagin and he told me that his wife went into a panic three times during the weekend, thinking she’d lost her phone, when the phone was in the bottom of her purse each time. One of those times, they were driving in traffic and she wanted him to stop the car, turn on the light, and let her search for the missing phone.
When he told her he was pulling to the side of the road and “Try to calm down,” she got….What? You tell me, what do you think she got?…
Madder. Of course. And he knows it. He knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that when someone’s amygdala (part of the brain that reacts to potential fearful situations with full sirens blasting) has been aroused, the last thing to calm that poor amygdala is to say, “Calm down.”
So I pointed out to him that his reaction probably wasn’t too helpful. He admitted it but said he was at the end of his rope. Well, I can understand that. Living with a highly anxious person who is not doing her homework to become centered and calm can be, indeed, stressful.
But here’s the thing: Mr. Fagin does not have the goods any more than Mrs. Fagin does nor does Mr. Edwards, for that matter.
They each have
- their side, their version of things
- their own not-so-helpful reactions to the things their spouse does
- their biases that their reactions are justified and therefore we don’t need to look at them.
So I ask Mr. Fagin to focus on his own reactions and see what he can do better by using the tools that I have given them. Then of course, I do the same with his wife.
So what is there to be “ready” for in marital counseling? Each person has to be willing to look at themselves whether it’s individual or marital therapy, and each person has to be willing to fall in love with themselves, too. Then looking at themselves must be followed by fixing the things about themselves that they don’t like.
It’s only when you love yourself that you have the capacity to correct what needs correcting.
So maybe that’s the answer. Maybe that man wasn’t ready to love himself and he found it convenient to say his wife wasn’t “ready.” I admit it is harder sometimes to love yourself than to tear yourself apart. But which feels better? Which makes more sense? Which do you want?
If you allowed the rational part of your brain to respond, and you acknowledged that you have to love yourself first, then here is how to do exactly that: Consider my 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself. Here are the Pillars of it, what you come out with at the end:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program get us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth.
Give me a call and we will talk about what you really want. Together, of course. https://drdeb.com/book.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)