Suppose a client walks into a therapist’s office every week for a month and each time, he has a spot on his shirt. He is down and out, looking for a job and can’t get one. Should the therapist:
- tell him flat out that he has spots on his clothes?
- ignore the spots as if nothing happened?
- ignore the spots and roll her eyeballs at the ceiling as she describes this “social misfit” client she has to her co-workers?
If this list sounds harsh, I’m sorry to say, it’s true.
I was working in a community service agency for a number of years before I started my private practice and (c) is exactly how the therapists talked to each other about clients.
It made me want to cry.
And I got out of there fast.
So what would I do, specifically? I would gently mention that I noticed he had spots on his clothes and I wonder if he noticed them himself. It could be that he didn’t realize they were there, or his eyesight is not good, or he didn’t think it mattered, or because he was poor he couldn’t afford better clothes and the spots didn’t come out in the wash
But clearly, the topic needs to be addressed, don’t you think? Remember, I’m a therapist. My job is to help. Should I make him feel good by overlooking things? Is that a “Good”?
I guarantee you, I would mention something. Lovingly and with kindness.
Suppose the man knew about the spots and was embarrassed by them but didn’t know what he could do? Then which is worse, me asking or him not getting a job because the interviewers aren’t asking?
If that were the case, I’d send him to three different thrift shops where he could get some clean and nice clothes without spots. Maybe he was too depressed to realize there were some in his area. Who knows?
Why would a marriage be any different?
If one of the partners doesn’t seem “in” – as in invested – I would call it out. Maybe they’re not invested in the marriage but they’re afraid to speak up. And what if they did speak up because I called it out? Maybe some action could be taken in a positive direction.
I’ve got a mental list of QUITE a number of men who are afraid to rock the boat on their walled-off wives. They’re dying for affection, getting zero, and terrified to speak up about it for fear the wife will take off. But what’s the benefit of keeping silent?
Think about that one. There’s this guy suffering in silence. He doesn’t believe in himself. He’s terrified if he opens his mouth to complain about the coldness, his wife will leave him altogether. And he doesn’t believe in himself enough to think that maybe he could do better if she did.
In fact, he doesn’t believe in himself enough to tell her he is lonely and miserable and look what SHE is missing by her coldness. He’s tortured, conflicted, and not willing to look at himself.
He’s like the guy with the spot on his jacket. He knows it’s there but hopes no one else notices. Which of course they do. But they’re all playing a game of the Emperor’s new clothes.
With people like that, I always want to be up front. So much good can come of my simple observation.
I could see the wife lashing out at the hapless guy who is so uninvolved, maybe even cheating. But all I’d have to do is mention how lonely it must be for him when his wife’s wall is up – and presto! – the walls must of necessity start to come down because now I put HER on the hot seat.
Being honest – in a loving way – is a healthy combination. And that is what you get when you work with me.
Now, many therapists are quite guilty of the opposite. They are terrified of challenging their client. They are afraid the client will never come back! And these are kindly people whose fear has nothing to do with their pocketbook and everything to do with the client’s well-being. But I ask you: If the client never changes because of the therapist’s fear, what has been accomplished?
Hearing the truth is both difficult – and liberating. There’s really nothing quite like it for opening up a world of possibilities. Do you want to hear it? Can your spouse hear it? Remember, I do it with LOVE.
And that is only one piece of the value you’ll get should we decide to work together. My marriage course is a 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself. Here are the Pillars of it, what you come out with at the end:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program gets us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Book a personal call to meet with me together and see how all that would work for you: https://drdeb.com/book. When you book a call with me, you will learn what no one else has told you about yourself: the real causes of the breakdown in your marriage. Then we will map out a strategy for correcting it. Simple?
When you’ve booked, be sure to fill out the application that is on another page you will be taken to. That info will help us in our meeting and it probably saves 20 min of talk time.