One woman memorably said – as I reassured her that my program could bring out in her husband the kind, sensitive, and empathetic man he really was underneath all the hostility and abuse he’d shown for 20 years –“I don’t care if he turns into Mother Theresa. I don’t want him and I don’t want this marriage.”
She couldn’t get past the past.
Or to put it in IFS (Internal Family Systems) terms, there was a part of her that thought it was protecting her from future pain by keeping her stuck in the past.How do I know that was a part and not her true Self?
Easy: A person’s Self has no agenda. Self takes in the Big Picture and therefore has perspective.
So in this case, Self would be curious about how things could be different between her and her husband if she gave him a window of time to make repairs.By the same token, the agenda that this part of her had was: Keep that man away at all costs!
One other characteristic of Self is a real giveaway- Self doesn’t need to be on guard, watching out for trouble.It has protective parts for that job. Like the part that wouldn’t wait around for our work with her husband to get under way.
On the other hand, not looking out for trouble gives Self the pleasure of living life in the moment instead of using up precious energy on worries. So really, another way to look at this sad scenario is that this woman’s frightened protective parts were pushing out any Self energy she might have had.That means “no fun.”
You know from her statement that she lived in a place of fear and hypervigilance in regard to her husband.From her point of view, if she divorced, all that would go away.
That is certainly true. It would. (Unless he acted out through the legal process.)But at a cost.
She would salvage nothing of value from her old life. After all, they were together 20 years; they knew each other like no one else could. Was there really nothing there? Fear and hypervigilance are parts. They ruled her. The problem is that if these parts didn’t allow her Self any space to enjoy the energy of just being her Self, then how would she know the expansiveness, the peace, the serenity that is part and parcel of Self energy?How would she know what true freedom from the domination of parts feels like?
See, the real beneficiary of forgiveness is oneself. Being governed by Self energy means not being governed by anxiety or anger, resentment or hostility.It means instead feeling assured enough that you can take life on and handle challenges.
That opens the door to joy, fun, laughter, and hope. It’s truly living.The way that lady described it, she was in bondage to hate and fear.
I am not blaming her – or her parts. As I’ve said here often, our parts come into our lives because we need their protection.
But Self energy gives us the flexibility to take a chance on someone we once loved (given that I was committing to help her husband learn to look inward and begin the journey to sensitivity and kindness). It could have given this person the excitement of overcoming a bad situation and creating something fresh.
Sounds like encouraging her to deny the abuse and just be happy and accept him and give him a chance instead of holding on to past hurt. Past is present since he hasn’t changed. Yet. And she doesn’t need to wait on him. 20 years of fear and abuse, she shouldn’t have stayed that long.
No way would I want to deny the abuse. Goodness. Please take a look at the first line of the post: “for my program.” Let me ask you: Is it better to go through the agony of a divorce and start over or to FIX the problem by working with the people who HAVE it? I say “fix” because if it’s not fixed, the post-divorce period can be even worse than the marriage with continued hostility.