Let’s get some definitions on the table first.IFS = Internal Family Systems, a method of therapy created by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz which is brilliant to the nth degree.
This method of therapy says that you are not bad and even the parts of you – the moods you get into with the ugly behaviors – aren’t bad either. To prove it, he wrote a book called, “No Bad Parts.” You can see he was serious.
Agreed, those “parts” certainly seem bad. The yelling and screaming. Or the stomping out. Or the silent treatment. Yes, to the receiver they most definitely are bad. But they came into a person’s life out of great need.
Every one of them was there to protect the person who has them. True, they don’t usually make sense. They aren’t logical or rational. There’s a reason for that: These protective parts developed when we were little kids.
They came into our lives out of need and they do the best they can to help us, but they have all the wisdom and experience of little kids.
That’s why some people have said about their spouse, “I feel like I have one more child in the house.”
IFS holds that these parts always try to help us, but the “us” they’re helping is something other than – and more than – these parts. It’s our soul, our Self. It’s an energy that just is. It has no agenda other than to live a good life.
Self loves. It’s kind. It’s connected, compassionate, truthful, grateful, wise, intuitive, and more.
That is who we really are, often hidden behind the sometimes obnoxious protectors.
So instead of beating ourselves up because we have little kids in us that want only to protect us from the world and often do it in a way that drives those around us nuts (or worse), IFS teaches everyone to start recognizing all their protective parts – and make friends with them.
They each have a message for us as to what they’re protecting us from. The better we understand these messages, the better we know who we really are, parts and Self together.
What’s more, there is one attribute of Self that no part shares: Self has the big picture. Self is in the present moment but remembers the past. Self learns; these little kid parts of us do not. So once we start to understand the messages of our parts, we also can put those messages into perspective.
That is, we can decide if there might be better ways to handle situations that come up. Let’s give a real world example.
Take Mike.
Mike grew up being yelled at and threatened with punishment. He developed a part that would assume someone was after him, someone was ready to blame him. Because they usually did.
That part learned that if he didn’t argue back and just disappeared into his head, he could escape a great deal of pain. In his head, he didn’t have to listen to what his parents were angry about. He was safe.
Mike married Cindy, a woman who is pretty aware of her own feelings including what bothers her. She has tried numerous times to explain to Mike that when he shuts down on her it makes her feel unloved and unwanted.
But when she does that, all Mike hears is that he’s being blamed – again. And that part of him, of course, shuts him down.
Now, just suppose that Mike learns to recognize that part. And he also recognizes that that part is just a version of himself as a child who learned that shutting down was safer than absorbing the complaints of his parents.
Further suppose that Mike also learns to experience the expansiveness and peace of Self energy. So much so that he literally isn’t bothered by hearing complaints.
Why not?
Because in Self energy, he values and appreciates who he is. He knows he is good. He knows that he could make a mistake but that is okay; it’s human. He gives himself space to be human. He is at peace with himself.
That means that when Cindy complains, he can actually hear her. He can empathize with how difficult it must be for her whenever he had been shutting down.
That, in a quick nutshell, is the IFS process.
But it isn’t so easy for Mike. He won’t get there at the snap of a finger. It will take weeks and even many months of learning to get into that realm called Self when being triggered.
Mike will need more time than Cindy, perhaps. That’s because Mike never before felt and celebrated who he really is, his Self, under all his protectors.
It is for this reason that I developed several shortcuts that shave time off of therapy. One of them is called Affirmations.
Affirmations that you used to be able to buy a little booklet of in Barnes and Nobles in the good old days when there were bookstores, are nothing but generalities that don’t necessarily feel like they apply.
They are meant to be goals for a person to reach. So, for example, a person that doesn’t believe in themselves might find an affirmation to recite that said, “I’m a worthwhile person.”
That’s a nice statement – except if you don’t believe it, then what?
I put a twist into this a long time ago. I teach people to make affirmations that are sometimes true so that they are a little bit believable. I teach people to keep an evidence journal of when they are true so as to create proof for themselves.
Now, what is the relationship between Affirmations and IFS?
I realized as I was doing this work that Affirmations are reminders from your Selfs to who you really are. They are right there waiting for you when you get taken over by childish protectors who may otherwise derail you from your progress.
In short, they get you back into Self especially because you know they’re true.
Try it. Make yourself an Affirmation about one step you’d like to take that already is sometimes true. Write it down. Say it often. And see what happens. If you need help with this, I’m here.
Please help! I try daily to tell myself I am a good person or that I’m at least wishing on becoming a good person. That lists a few minutes & then all the negative thoughts always return & I feel defeated. I want so bad to feel alive. Right now I feel I’m under a boulder of darkness my entire life & is ruining everything for me.
Linda, you are not alone in this. We have all been given messages since childhood of how horrible we are. And we bought into this. Here is a suggestion and if you’re having trouble with it, I invite you to my private, free Facebook group to read all my posts, participate in the community, message me, and when you’re ready, consider my private program. So here’s the suggestion, first: Keep an “evidence” journal of every time you KNOW you’re a good person because of something you did or felt or thought, or because of something that happened that people gave you positive feedback. See how that goes. The Facebook group is at https://facebook.com/groups/LoveYourselfLoveYourMarriage. And reach out if this isn’t working. Actually, reach out also if it IS working!! I love reading people’s positive steps fwd!