I’ve heard the story too many times of people who go to therapy to fix a problem and they walk out with a bigger one.
The therapist wants to hear what’s going on so the couple obliges by starting a fight! Right there in front of the therapist. The therapist feels split at this moment. He wants to understand what’s happening, so he listens to the fight and doesn’t stop it.
But a part of him knows this can’t be helpful, so he tells the couple that he’d really like to help them to not fight any more. But he still does not know how to get the information he needs without hearing them interact. So the next visit is more of the same. Until the couple quits therapy.
What’s missing in this scenario is nobody is listening to each other. Once you deteriorate into fighting, you lose respect, and of course, there is no conversation happening.
Everyone is going on adrenalin: There is a deep feeling of being not listened to, not heard. And this is extremely painful, So everyone starts getting more hurt and more angry at each other, shouting their point in a desperate grab to get listened to.
But since both people are doing it, no one is listening.
Any coaching or therapy situation that is based on “hearing how people really are” is bound to fail because it always degenerates into this.
Any coaching or therapy program that is based on hearing people talk before teaching them to listen is bound to fail, too.
And there’s another thing: There are DIY coaching programs out there that expect everyone to stop fighting and start having fun. This is theoretically a great idea except for one problem: No one STILL gets heard. Okay, they have date night; they have fun. That’s very nice.
But real relationships are based on more than that. Real relationships have got to have real conversations. Real relationships have got to be based on intimacy. And intimacy is based on listening.
And it has to begin with your therapist, coach or mentor being that great listener.
And we’re talking about couples work, not individual work.
There’s no way around that. So everyone gets heard and everyone has that deep feeling of being validated because someone heard them. If the coach or the program is all DIY, this will never happen.
I totally get that it is really hard to listen when you’re angry, and show respect when you have been disrespected. But what’s the alternative? – to stoop to their level? I don’t think so.
That’s why my approach – which does not offer band aids because it is all about total transformation – is based on respect and real listening. I’ve got to respect you. And I’ve got to listen. Tell me your story and we will look for solutions. https://drdeb.com/book