I once was interning to acquire the number of hours necessary for my license. I met with a particular family. They were really lovely people. Okay, they would fight. Okay, they didn’t seem to know how to get out of the spiral they were in. I get that. Not everyone knows these things. I don’t know how to sing on key; so what? Like I said, not everyone is great at everything. But they were a lovely family.
So I went to the head person at the agency and said, “Listen, I’m having trouble finding a diagnosis for these people” – Remember, amongst most therapists and all agencies, you must have a diagnosis to get reimbursement – and here is what she replied: “If they’re here, they have a diagnosis.”
English translation: They have something wrong with them. Not “they are missing a skill,” no, heaven forbid. But there is something wrong *with* the people. To be honest, I left that agency shortly after that, searching elsewhere for my hours. I couldn’t stand that mentality.
Why not believe in people? Why not believe that they are capable of learning and growing? Why not believe that they can learn and grow quickly no matter their age and how many years they’ve done it wrong and thought it wrong?
See, that is where therapy stops and I begin.
Let me ask you this: Did you go to therapy? Was it a good experience? And one more question: Do you think they thought there was something ‘wrong” with you after all? How did you enjoy that?
I do not think there is something wrong with you.
On the contrary, I think there’s something heroic about people who go through a horrible childhood and manage to have a family and raise children – and then know that there’s something in that family that needs improvement so you’re reading this. That’s heroic. That’s beautiful.
I give you full credit for caring.
Of course, the next step is to do something about it! That’s where I come in. If you prefer to be treated by your therapist/mentor with respect, like you have something to offer and all you need is the correct tools to do it right, that’s great!
But if you’re sure you’re going to get a label slapped on one of you and not even get the tools after that, then talk to me. I’m all ears. And I have the tools.
What are those tools? – Daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state, all done in an organized manner so that you learn exactly what you need to in the correct order that you need to in order to fix your marriage. That order is:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program gets us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
Note that by the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
So I don’t care what label someone slapped on you. To me, you’re a person. Someone struggling. And I give you credit for reaching out. Reach out some more by booking a free call https://drdeb.com/book .
When you’ve booked, be sure to fill out the application that is on another page you will be taken to. That info will help us in our meeting and it probably saves 20 min of talk time.