You thought you had an identity. Actually, you have many of them. This is not my original idea. The idea was first proposed by Kenneth Gergen 20 years ago in a book he wrote called The Saturated Self. I just came across some thoughts I had on it which I want to share with you. Check out http://www.taosinstitute.net/
Let’s take Carol.
Suppose she goes to work and she is a corporate attorney, a very successful attorney. She always gets her deal to the client’s best advantage. When someone thinks of Carol, they think “smart,” “successful,” maybe even “powerful.” But when Carol goes to visit her mom and dad on weekends, she’s not that same person. She’s their “kid.” Mom complains about her not being as pretty as the younger sister. Dad complains about her taking on a “man’s” career. At home, she’s messed up, sad, never right; in short, unsuccessful. So, will the real Carol please stand up. Is she successful or isn’t she? The answer, obviously, depends on which relationship you’re looking at. The problem is not inside of her. She does not lack the right skills to deal with her parents, either, because no matter what she does, they still make her feel badly. She handles them just fine, but so what? She knows they’re not happy with her and this hurts.
Carol is married. Her husband thinks she’s sexy. Her children think of her as “mom.” To them, she’s “strict,” “nice,” “loving.” So, does she have problems relating, or not?
I, personally, don’t think she has any problem relating, but since her parents find fault with her—and of course, it hurts—that’s her problem. She can’t (and shouldn’t try) to turn off the pain because you don’t want to make someone become calloused. On the other hand, there’s no point in continuing to be a pain sponge. What should she do?
Here are some options in order for her to heal and possibly make some changes in her parents’ behavior:
- Say, “Funny how no one else sees me in the bad light you do.” And then let it go.
- If that doesn’t work, say, “Well, it could be me or it could be you.” Now, BTW, I’m an advocate of being respectful to parents no matter how they mismanage words. That doesn’t mean you stay around to get drilled but I think you do have to try to get somewhere. So just be careful how you put it.
- Say, “C’mon, see if you can say something complimentary.”
- Say, “What is the real reason you need to find fault with me? What’s behind it?”
- Say, “I’m requesting that going forward, you only say complimentary things. I do appreciate that as my parents you want the best for me and you believe that you are ‘helping’ me. But you’re not. It only hurts. Since I’ve tried to get you to realize this before and it didn’t work, I’m asking you not to criticize me anymore. Okay?”
Finally, there’s therapy to really get to like herself.
Dear Dr Debb,
I can see I am not the only one loving you…
I have a problem, I read your articles, i have your 2 books, and i can feel inside of me how it is right and sensible, but i cannot seem to be able to put it into actions…!
I explain… I read the letter of thanks that were sent to you , and plenty of them told you that your advices allowed them to change… well I did not change… I guess i do not get it….
I was abused as a child and very strongly (not that it matters, if i understand you well the abuse is always too much), still for your understanding , i was in a very abusive orphanage by 4, and spent 8 years in different foster parents until i was 14, returning to my mother now and then who is mentally unstable…
Anyway i worked a lot (and it was really scary and hard to feel so alone), became a nurse, worked on my attitude, decided to become happy, got lucky, and i became in France a visiting nurse having bought a private practice…
So i had a great job… money (which should not be important… but becomes very important when because when you do not have any you have to push away the rotten of food to eat underneath)…
I made friends and I thought I did very well for myself, i got in a, as good as it can get, relationship with my mother (she really did her best! really!) and my 2 siblings (more or less… they were even more hurt than me, because younger…).
I had money to help them, money to travel… then i met my husband, an american … very fast romance.. not the same language… heck not the same anything! Another country is almost as far as Mars at the beginning..
So under the very real stress that ,leaving everything i had worked so hard to create, was, idi abuse my husband… and he did abuse me…
In order to survive i had to block a lot of informations during my childhood, and i am now learning how to listen and to take care of myself…
Anyway… I do not get your informations! It is not spelled out in enough details for my brain to get it!
I remember a letter yesterday, and thanks goodness you did give us a long list of things to do to take care of ourselves, but telling me that i need to have a clean car is vague… taking care of myself is vague… i take a shower is that enough?
I do not want to be difficult… I love your work , as i said a few weeks back, you are showing me the way… and you shine a big light on it… But am I dumb? I cannot seem to find the way to make it practical for me…
Forgive me!
Happy New year anyway and MERCI for your good heart!
Of course you’re not dumb. But as you say, not only were you abused, but your abuse meant ALSO that you were not taught the coping skills that children would get growing up. Abuse always gives that double-whammy.
The other thing is that the book you have is the old version. The new one is coming out with a lot more very specific tools.
Furthermore, I plan to go even further and have a live course based on the book so people can ask questions and get very detailed and concrete answers that fit their situation.
One thing for sure you can start to do is affirmations to remind yourself of your true value. Generally people are not 100% down on themselves; they have ups and downs. When they feel good they don’t bother saying the affirmations and then when they feel bad they don’t believe them enough to say them! The key is to say them first when they feel okay about themselves so that they can be prepared to mean it when those moments come when they are down.