When you’re talking to the wall, it’s kind of hard to be positive.

Then again, I live alone (my husband died 7 years ago) and I talk to the walls all the time. They don’t help me much, but the advantage is that they leave me alone when I’m trying to sort out my thoughts.

I kind of like it.

In fact, when it comes to belting out a song, living alone has the great advantage of people not telling me that I’m off key and I should keep quiet.

So what’s my point?

No matter what’s going on, a person has to be happy with who they are.

You have to like, love, enjoy, and value yourself. You have to feel like you’re fun to be around.

You have to find your thoughts interesting; you have to think some of them are laugh-out-loud funny. You have to have goals and dreams of what you can do in the world to leave your mark on it.
And that is regardless of what kind of reception you get from your disengaged spouse.

Because they’re your dreams, your goals. They’re coming from the power of your brain, your personality.

That takes enormous strength. It also takes faith.

Faith that if you’re not looking for something from the person you’re with, things can even get better.

Let me explain.

One of the biggest drains on a relationship is neediness. In fact, if you work with me in my group coaching program (or the individual program, too) Module I has a self-test to see just how independent you are versus being needy.

Neediness comes from our inner children. They were hurt and because that pain is too much to bear, we push them out of awareness. We say we did have a happy childhood when we didn’t.
We pretend we’re fine, but we’re not.

And it can come out in the form of neediness.

Do we really need the attention of our spouse or is it that hurt and lost child inside of us that does?

If we spend some time reflecting, it turns out to be that inner child. And frankly, that is totally normal.

Obviously, it is also normal for spouse to pay attention to each other – to be best friends. Of course that is the goal. But when that’s not happening, here’s the path out of the bad feelings….

It’s just not helpful to put any of our neediness on our spouse because they’re surely dealing with their own clamoring inner kids and the protectors who won’t let the kids talk to them.

We all have our pasts.

That is why it is my firm belief that to have a good, relaxed, meaningful relationship with our significant other, the first step is actually a move toward independence from them.

That first step is discovering the relationship that you each have to your own inner children – yourself at different ages and stages, caught in bewildering and lonely scenarios.

And then the next step is healing those children by being the Adult in the relationship with them. That is what those of us who practice Internal Family Systems call Self.

Our Self is full of love, compassion, and perspective. Our Self has the wisdom to accept the way the world is (including our messed-up spouse) and use that confidence to assure the needy children inside that we can handle it and it will be okay.

How in the world do we accomplish such a thing?

We all – every one of us, including that disengaged husband – have a Self that has gotten hidden under the burdens of life. Our protectors (defenses) always rise up to “take care of” things, but they don’t necessarily do a good job.

These defenses also come from our childhood. They were and are childish because we’ve kept them all these years to help us out when we need them.

But we have a Self that really, truly can handle the ups and downs of life. We were born with that Self.

We have to relax our defenses and let them know that we’re in charge. We then can soothe and nurture those hurt inner children.
When I work with people and they discover that they have a Self that is underneath all their automatic reactions and moods, and the Self is wise and capable, a feeling of calm and connectedness comes over them.

They feel open to what’s happening because they know they’re going to be okay.

Try it: Sit down in an undisturbed place and as the moods flood you and the thoughts bother you, gently ask them to just wait and watch and see if you, your Self can handle the problems that face you.

Just breathe. Calm all those inner voices and discover your Self.
It is that Self that you need in order to go back in time to heal your inner children.

So that when a mood of sadness overcomes you – or anger at that disengaged partner (“Who does he think he is, anyway?!”) – you aren’t hijacked by that down mood or the anger. Instead, your Self reassures your inner voices that you will be alright. That, in fact, you are alright.

Now, when you can master that whole experience, what does it look like on the outside? What do you look like to your spouse?
They see you as capable, happy, relaxed, pleasant, and independent.

So you are not a threat.

You won’t be on them for their own moods and their own defenses and their crying inner children hidden behind all that.

You won’t be needing from them more than they can give.

You won’t be rubbing salt into the wounds they already carry from childhood.

The first reaction they will have is that you are not a threat.

The next reaction will be very interesting….

After they get past the fact that you used to be a threat but are no longer one, they will start to get curious…..

Who are you? How did this happen?

And – really? You really don’t want anything from me? You don’t need me?

If your own Self-love has relieved a tiny bit of the pressure in the house, they may turn to you and ask.

Or they may be afraid to do so. But you can always – with pleasantness – invite them to discover what you have discovered yourself.

For most people, this is a monumental task because your head is not in that place. It’s way too hard to pull your head out of the anger and resentment that is natural for you to feel from the mistreatment.

That is why I offer a coaching program to support you in getting to that place of inner peace and Self-love. Remember: the more your heart fills with Self-love, kindness, and compassion, the less room there is in it for anger, resentment, and frustration.

Take a look at the coaching program (and the other programs based on the same course) here: https://drdeb.com/…/love-yourself-love-your-marriage…/ and then shoot me an email or DM me here in this group to ask me any questions.