Here’s a few questions to start off the discussion:
1. Are you still together? If so, why are you when the behavior didn’t change?
2. Do you love this person who you resent? If so, why do you?
3. Have you discussed the situation and your mutual goals? If not, why not?
See, it’s a bit hard to come up with an answer to the question of letting go of anger and resentment without some more information.
Let me take the easiest case: You’ve divorced. In fact, you’ve each remarried.
You might very well be filled with resentment for all the miserable things that were done to you and I get that, but my question would be: Is there a part of you, maybe a very small inner child, that thinks that something will change because of the resentment?
Little kids do think that way; they’re not terribly logical.
They think, for example, that if they bother mommy enough about getting the lollipop, they will get it even though she said “No” twenty times.
When the person grows up, the inner children didn’t. They’re bothering you instead of mommy. And the bother is the “hope” that resentment will lead to the other person magically making you whole.
As strange and illogical as that sounds, that’s exactly how human beings act.
Otherwise, how do you explain a woman screaming in anger at her husband, “You never spend time with me!”
I mean, that’s pretty illogical too.
Does that person think that screaming will get him to go, “Oh you’re right darling; I really want to spend time with you.”
I don’t think so.
The solution is for the person who feels the resentment to have a conversation with that child inside to understand what the inner child was looking to gain by having resentment….
….and perhaps more important, what that inner child was afraid would happen if the person didn’thave resentment.
The reason I say this is because very often people purposely hold on to resentment so that they don’t get hurt again. It’s like a shield, protecting them.
On the other hand, in the case where the couple are still together but the offending behavior did not change, then the resentment truly IS a shield of protection and I strongly advise it!
After all, how can you trust the other person who did not make the changes they were supposed to?
But I can understand the awfulness of those feelings and how you’d want to get rid of them. May I suggest that some “bad” feelings are just plain necessary?
Let’s say, for example, that a kid has a test coming. Isn’t it better for them to be a tad anxious so they’ll study?
The bad feeling is there so you can take action. And the longer it stays the more you have to ask yourself what is keeping you from taking action. Are you there just because you can’t afford to leave? Then consider doing whatever is necessary to earn an income.
Are you there because you still love the guy? Then insist in any way that will work for him to get therapy. Try everything. And only try therapy that is going to work. (Please see all the articles I’ve written about therapy that does not work and what is necessary for good therapy.)
(Also, see the articles I’ve written on why they won’t go to therapy so you can better understand where they’re coming from. . . .
. . . . and the articles I’ve written on how to get them into therapy after all. There was a Live on this recently, too.)
(If you need the links because you can’t find them on a search, LMK in the comments.)
Are you simply afraid to bring up the issue? Then you must work on yourself! That is what I can do with you alone in the individual Coaching program.
The bottom line is that we are not meant to suffer. On the other hand, sometimes we must be somewhat uncomfortable as a spur to taking the correct action.
