You know that feeling: You try really, I mean you try really hard to be aware, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, hold your tongue –– and by golly, somehow or other you screwed up again.
Will there never be an end to it?I mean, no one is perfect; how can I get past this?
Or better, how can we get past this?
How can we move on?There are 3 answers to this question:
I. You need to love yourself enough to know you’re good, you’re ok.
If there’s always a whisper in your ear that you’re a loser, you can’t do anything right, and not only that, there’s nothing good about you, then that’s what has to change.Many people have that feeling. Not only is it a feeling, but it’s been there so long that it is a belief, a conviction.
Or at least it feels that way.
The reality, however, is that it is not true.You are simply listening to an old tape played by the tiny child that you once were.
Why do I say that?
Take a look at any four-year old. They want, very much, to be “one of” the family; they want the respect that the adults get and they want to belong.So it is absolutely the most natural thing in the world to imitate the adults in hopes of appearing smart and with it and very grown up.
A four-year old said to me, only yesterday, “You can’t put your shoes on the couch.”I was standing in the kitchen, nowhere near the couch. But telling me the rules of the house made her feel important.
That is how we all learn.
We learn the rules of the house.
So if, as kids, we learned that we are not good enough because that is the message we kept hearing, the four-year old within us still remembers that message. That child wants to repeat it as often as necessary.Why?
Well, to be sure and help us not get in trouble by putting our shoes on the couch.
After all, if we agree with the strongest members of the family before they get to beat us up, then maybe we won’t get that beating after all.This system makes so much sense to a little kid that even when we grow up, we hold onto it. The ideas, the language, the tone, all of it, lives in old neural pathways in our brains. Since we are used to telling these things to ourselves, they have not gone away.
Our number one job, therefore, is to talk to that little kid within us that is telling us we are wrong. Always wrong. Tell the kid, actually, we are not.How do you go about this?
The process, called Internal Family Systems, is all about getting to know who you really are. You get to know that little kid and all the other little kids inside you with all of their “advice” for you. Those kids are your internal family.You have to learn who they are – and they have to realize that you have grown up; you’re not the same person that needed their protection as a child.
And you also have to love those kids within us because they always want our best.
Try this: Take a few minutes of quiet. Close your eyes, and hear the chatter in your head. Select one of the messages and ask the others to give you some space. See what’s behind that message.(If you need help with this, just reach out; that’s what we’re here for.)
When you and those parts of you have straightened out the reality that you are okay, what are you left with? –
You’ve still got that partner who thought you were wrong. What do you do about them?The answer is not hard once you know in your heart of hearts that you are not wrong – and I am oversimplifying this, I know. This process is not easy nor is it quick. A lifetime of putting yourself down isn’t changed by a post in a blog.
But either on your own, or with our help, you can start to see this differently.
And once you do, then beauty happens.
The beauty is that you can easily roll with the silly words from the person who said them. You know in your heart that whatever they thought you were, you weren’t.You’re calm, assured, not triggered, and you’re understanding of the problems they are having. So you’re not ready to sulk, become depressed, or feel like garbage.
You feel happy and good about who you are. You can say loving things to the person and mean it.That is Step One.
But the other steps are necessary to make real progress.
II. You nevertheless need to examine yourself to make sure you are good and doing things right.
Not being garbage doesn’t mean you can become arrogant, heartless, and uncaring, either. Maybe you did do something wrong.Maybe you did say something wrong.
Or you omitted a nicety. Who knows?
A Self-loving person – ready for this? –
A Self-loving person has the emotional strength to hear and accept that they made mistakes when they actually did.So self-examination is absolutely required.
But notice: It’s coming from a vastly different place than when you’re kicking yourself black and blue.It’s coming from a place of honor, actually.
You honor yourself by wanting to be the good person you really are. So it behooves you to take a look at yourself to be sure that you didn’t accidentally cross over a line and hurt someone.Because you wouldn’t want to be that person.
But once that is done, the third step is in your partner’s hands.
III. Your partner needs to start noticing the positive and not being dominated by the negative.
Your partner has good reason to worry that you will hurt them.You may have hurt them in the past and it may have gone on for a long time.
Or they may see your behavior as similar to someone else’s behavior that hurt them in the past and they are triggered by it.Or they were given unhealthy messages, perhaps brainwashing, about people like you.
And they believed them.
As it happens, it is relatively easy to instill fear in someone. It is hardwired in us to be cautious and to be particularly on guard when we’ve been hurt or when we’ve seen and experienced others get hurt.Those are scary events.
Now it is time for them to heal.
Just as you need to come to love yourself and not see yourself as forever wrong, your partner needs to come to trust and not be forever on the lookout for being hurt.Your partner is also being controlled by negative voices in their head. Your partner must take the same steps as you are with the parts of them that must worry.
The worry is normal and healthy when the protection is needed, but as you change, they must note it and let their worrying parts know it as well.When people are no longer controlled by self-put-downs or worry, they are ready to communicate – and relate.
The is when a relationship can restart.