Why is it that people insist on trying to win arguments by shooting themselves in the foot?
Adam: “I did NOT say that I would go to your mother’s for dinner.”
Sally: “Yes you did. And I don’t appreciate your letting me down.”
“And you never let ME down?”
Do you see where this is going? No where. And why? – Because when you try to win, it means someone else loses. Which means they will fight to the death (metaphorically speaking) to not lose. Which means they have to win.
See?
But……
If what you want for a result is to get whatever it was you wanted to get, there’s a much better way: Just say what you want. Plain English (or whatever language you speak in).
Oh, and add in one really smart — and nice — thing. Let the person you are arguing with know that you heard them. Here’s why:
I would venture to bet — and I am not alone on this (I’ll be doing a book review in a couple months on a book written by Harvard Business School people who say the same thing) — the reason people argue so much is because they don’t feel heard.
Think about it. Think about all the arguments you’ve been in. And all the times you kept going round and round. You felt like you weren’t getting your point across.
Think about the times you did not want to argue but the person you were arguing with would not let go. Now, remember back to those moments. Did you ever once let him or her know that you totally got it? If you did, did he believe you?
We’re back to the main point, here. To make sure arguments don’t go on forever and in fact get to a resolution, you’re got to do two things:
- Make sure the other person knows beyond a doubt that you understood what he or she is trying to say. Incidentally, you do not have to agree. In fact, agreement is rare in human relationships and we still can accomplish a whole lot. Just say something like, “So what you’re saying is….” That works. Or at least it works if you’re sincere. If you’re sarcastic, of course, that won’t work.
- State what your own point is in clear terms — even if it’s really hard. When you’re specific and clear it puts everything on the table. Now what I’ve seen is that people hate to do that. Your 8-year old should want to do his homework without your telling him to do it. You really wish he would just know to do it and that’s that.
But people don’t work that way. No one is a mind reader. And just as you are unable to read your family’s minds, they can’t read yours, either.
Now let’s look at it from the reverse position as the title of this post promised: What if someone is trying to argue with you — and you are definitely not interested. What do you do? Well, if the above paragraphs are any clue, it must be that they don’t feel listened to; they don’t feel understood.
As John Donne in the 16th century famously said, “No man is an island.” Current neuroscience research backs this up: Our brains are wired to resonate with the brains of other human beings. That’s why isolation cells are such powerful punishments in prison, too. We are meant to interact with others. And not any old interaction will do; we are meant to connect.
That is why it is so crucial to understand others. They will argue and argue — and even become violent — when they feel out in the cold.
(Interestingly, that is why all domestic violence research shows that the first two years after a wife leaves is the most dangerous time for her. Even her abusive husband who presumably didn’t want her is now left out in the cold. That makes him sad. And THAT makes him angry.)
So the very first thing to do when someone is arguing and arguing with you is to finally stop and actually listen.
I realize that you didn’t want to listen. You have your own agenda. But that is exactly the problem. Your agenda is fighting with the other person’s agenda. And that, guaranteed, has no conclusion.
Now, you may say to me that you really would like to be able to listen, but you can’t. The minute you start to try, your mind wanders to all the arguments this other person is bringing up for you. My solution to that is to grab a piece of paper and pen, or your phone if you enjoy taking notes in it, and write down all the random thoughts that come up for you so you can let go of them and listen to this arguer.
Three amazing things will happen from this.
First, this person will know you’re listening. He or she can tell. You look like you’re listening. And this alone is amazingly powerful. You might get an unexpected reaction just from listening. Like gratitude. Or tears, depending on who it is.
The second kind of unexpected thing is that you may be surprised to find yourself in agreement with at least some points this person is saying. But even if you’re not, you will at least understand better where he or she is coming from.
The third thing is that the entire tone of the interaction will change. Once you’re listening, there is nothing to argue about any more. It’s not an argument.
In our story above, if all Adam said to Sally was, “You are really disappointed in how this turned out, aren’t you?” what a different response he would get! For all we know, Sally doesn’t even want to go to her mother’s for dinner but her mom is on her back. With Adam’s understanding reply, she might feel free to say, “No, not really. Just nervous now about handling my mother.” Suddenly instead of being at each others’ throats, they can become collaborators in figuring out a solution.
Now, how do you get what you want?
Again, you must be sure you heard correctly. So you paraphrase or catch the gist of what was being said and feed that back.
Next, you say, “Well, that is interesting,” (or some such calm and non-argumentative lead-in).
Third, you say what you liked about or agree with what the other person said. This will absolutely shock him or her, especially if the initial argument was all full of blame. Can you imagine agreeing with what you were being blamed for? Of course, you can only do this if you do agree with some piece of it.
Finally, you say, “Now, I would like to present my take on things.”
Notice, you do not ask permission. You do not say something obnoxious like, “Well, I’ve listened to you so I hope you’ll listen to me.” This is a veiled accusation that they won’t. Never do those, even if the other person never does listen. It could be that now that you made sure to listen, they will change their tactics. And even if they don’t, you don’t want to start the old blame and accusation song and dance again.
When you do your presentation, never, ever, do the blame thing. Just state your own position and make sure that you clearly say it’s your position, not God’s Truth. We leave that to God.
I will leave this topic with one caveat. You may not get all of what you want. But you will definitely get listened to back. You will definitely get a friend/relative back from the brink of a feud. And you may get much of what you wanted when you share your side. All because you listened. Respectfully.