You know that old saying that you can’t change someone; they have to want to change?I disagree with it.
Why?
Because experience does change us. And we can create experiences that are effective in making changes.Here’s an example from my own store of experiences: Michael and Ann. They fight constantly. Ann tells Michael he’s belittling her and she is sick and tired of it.
Michael ignores her. ß This is key.
He ignores her for 25 years, actually.
Then Ann finally – finally – makes good on her threat. She files for divorce.The next day Michael reaches out to me in tears. Tears.
“I didn’t know how bad she felt!” he says.
I believe him.
When you tune someone out, you don’t hear them.When you don’t hear them, you don’t know.
I tell Ann in a joint call that Michael initiates, “Michael is ready to work on himself.”Ann just laughs.
Then she cries.
“I’m sorry. There’s been too much water under the bridge. I’ve been hurt for far too long.”And so we have two unhappy people, Ann and Michael.
The point of the story is that Michael is willing to change.
But only when he got – figuratively – hit over the head with a 2 by 4 so that he would take notice.It’s not that he wouldn’t or couldn’t change. It’s that he wasn’t listening.
(Why he wasn’t listening is another story. Tons of posts on that in this group. Happy scrolling.)Once he got the message, he was ready.
It’s a shame it was too late. The message should have been sent waaaaaay earlier.Here’s a different example of change.
Mary told Mel that she wanted the two of them to take my course.
“No way!” he said. “I’m not interested in all that ridiculous inner child stuff.”(At least he was honest about why he didn’t want to do it.)
Mary said to Mel, “No problem. But we will get divorced because I can’t take the pain any more.”So Mel did take the course, huffing and puffing all the way.
And crying, too.
But a point came where he said, “I like being in Self energy. And I can feel the difference. Thank you, DrDeb.”Of course, the person he needed to thank was Mary.
And for the first time, after a number of month-long extensions beyond the regular program, Mary was hopeful.So, yeah, I guess threats are one way of making changes happen. But I honestly don’t care for the idea of threats. What if Mary was not going to go through with filing? Then it would have been an empty threat.
What I’d rather focus on is how Ann and Mary set boundaries. “I’m going to do X if you do Y.”Are boundaries so unreasonable? We raise our children to have them. They get sent to bed sooner if they violate our rules. They miss the party if they don’t study.
True, it’s a shame to have to set them with your own spouse who “should” know better. But if they don’t know better, should you suffer?
I don’t think so. What do you think?
I’ve been tuned out. I have no voice here. My feelings are mocked and dismissed. My husband says he has “no issues”, that I am the only one with issues.
When will I be strong enough to not suffer through this anymore? I don’t know. My fear is that I know we have (had?) a very strong marital bond that is now being destroyed for no reason – or at least not the reasons he states. I don’t know what is going on because all he did was accuse me, call me awful names and attacked my character. Honestly, no one has ever treated me worse. And he is the love of my life. But, he takes no accountability. I have to be the one strong enough to leave. And I don’t know how. This is all still so shocking to me. I had a blissful marriage turned horrific from one day to the next. I put my husband on a pedestal since day 1 and he doesn’t see it or value it. I am STILL putting him on a pedestal. STILL living under his terms only. And yet he seems to take it for granted. I guess one day I will reach the limit of the unjust mistreatment I am receiving.