Part 3: Positive Thinking
We’re on a roll here. You’re starting to get all the tools of my course for free! Yikes! Why would I do that?Because if I’ve helped you, great. And if you need more help, then you will know exactly what it is we do and how we do it. And you can decide if you want to work with us.
Either way, for me it’s a win. If I help you, it’s my win because I helped you! If you joined my program, then that’s good too. My goal is happy people and happy couples.Please refer to Part 1 to get a bit of the reason why I went in search of the perfect combination of tools to help couples live happy lives; also what Internal Family Systems (IFS) is, and Affirmations.
Please refer to Part 2, the last post, on breathing. Yes, breathing. It’s a more powerful tool than you think!Now, we’re going to dive into this fascinating question:
How Can We Think Positively When We Don’t – and Why Should We Anyway?
I’d like to address the second question first.
There was once a piece of research that I came across that went like this: If a person was a pessimist, then if you tried to get them to think positively, they would actually get depressed.That is because the pessimism protected them against disappointment. If they got too excited about something and it didn’t happen, they would be more unhappy, so the reasoning went, than if they never got their hopes up in the first place.
However, there are flaws in this thinking. While a pessimist wouldn’t have as far to fall as an optimist, they’re still miserable. And they’re more miserable more of the time than anyone else.An unhappy, negative perspective on life has been shown to shorten our DNA strands. How about that? This is serious stuff.
In addition, a negative attitude results in chronic diseases more often than in people with a positive outlook. We’re talking heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and so forth.Not only that, a negative world-view is unfortunately passed down the generations; children easily pick up adult vibes and make them their own.
On the other hand, I can’t find fault with people whose life burdens gave them a bad view of life.The real question is: If a person did want to change how they see the world, can they?
And the answer is “Absolutely, they can.”
It’s all about forcing focus. Now this is not automatic like the breathing. But forcing yourself to see the good things in life isn’t that difficult, either.True, it may be emotionally difficult because a person in a bad mood may actually want to stay there; the bad mood is a symbol of the troubles that this person has been through.
By forcing himself to get his mind on the good, it’s almost like the witness to his suffering (himself) is no longer witnessing it. And that is a form of betrayal.All true. Yet, anyone should ask themselves: What is the value of a life lived in misery? Do I want to dwell on the tortures I’ve had or do I want to live my life while I’m alive, to quote Bon Jovi?
How This Integrates With IFS
Now that you’re at least thinking about the idea of focusing on the good in your life, even if you don’t – yet – feel it, you’re ready to learn something extraordinary…The bad feelings you have about your life, yourself, your partner, all of it – all comes from just a part of you.
Just a part.
A loud, demanding, suffocating part.
But just a part.
It’s not you. It’s certainly not all of you.
An important part, perhaps, but only that. A part.
You will now have 3 important jobs to get to that positive place that others seem to dwell in which you don’t:1. you will have to listen to your part’s story.
2. you have to value and appreciate what the part did for you all these years.
3. you have to take Self Leadership to have the full and joyous life you want.
What this means is that each part of us developed as a response to something or things in our lives that posed a serious problem.These parts are not to be looked at as “wrong” or “bad” or even annoying. They were necessary at the time.
So it is up to us to find out from them what their story is: What was going on? Why did they go with a particular approach to handling it? What are they afraid would happen if they let go of their approach? So, take Sandie for instance. She always had a dark way of looking at things. She wouldn’t normally be her group’s cheerleader.When she was able to separate enough from this Dark Part to listen to it, she learned that she was 14 when it appeared in her life. Her mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital and she never saw her again. Her dad remarried and both he and his new wife favored her kids and the kids they had together over Sandie.
So it made sense to have a dark outlook on life.
But when she asked the part why it needed to choose that kind of approach instead of being hopeful and optimistic, she listened inside of herself and the answer that came back was surprising to her now as a 47 year old adult.But it was the logic of a 14 year old, so from that perspective, it made sense.
The part simply told her that her mother would never come back and her father would never love her the way he should so life was worthless.Sandie thought about that. By now, she had children of her own. One of them was already married and she was going to become a grandmother! She loved her own children dearly and when she thought some more, she realized – shock of shocks – that she disagreed with her part!
She realized that she had a happy feeling hiding underneath all of that darkness and the dark part was so dominating that it didn’t let the happy feeling out.So she asked the Dark Part what was it afraid of it allowed her to be happy?
Very good question.
The part simply told her she would be disappointed again and again because that’s how life is. Well, it’s the mind of a 14-year old. What do you expect? So Sandie, with the courage she learned right here in this group, told her part she totally disagreed. She said she valued her part for helping her get through the worst of times but she wanted a new approach. She asked the part what it would be willing to compromise on.The part said that it would warn her if she was getting too optimistic.
She agreed to the compromise provided the part was willing to step back and see how things went going forward before overwhelming her with its dark attitude. The part agreed.If this seems too way out, it’s not. It happens every day in therapy with my team and me. We love seeing our clients take Self leadership and come into the sunshine.
While the Dark Part still has a say in things.
To some degree.
What do you think? Is this way out? Or something you’d like to try