When you look at yourself and your own behavior, you just can’t understand how you got here. You’re a good person. You have a good heart. You wouldn’t want to hurt anybody. Yet….
- You’ve found yourself stooping way lower than you could have imagined, saying things that should not have come out of your mouth, or
- You discover levels of anger you didn’t think you’ve had in you, keeping you tossing at night without allowing you to get to sleep, or
- You can’t believe you took the stupid pickup line from someone you didn’t even care for or didn’t know just to feel a little better about yourself, or
- You disappeared for a stretch of time to live in a fantasy world of joy and peace with a beautiful stranger and have no idea how you will pick up the pieces of your marriage after that.
And more that you don’t want to get into at the moment.
How did this happen?
You remember back to the beginning. Okay, things were a little rocky then too. Nothing in life is perfect, right? But there were such good times, such a fabulous connection. Now, you’re seeing what looks like the end of your relationship and wondering how this could be.
And more important, you’re wondering if there is any chance in the world to patch things up.
Your heart tells you that you want that chance more than anything, and your head tells you that it is impossible.
Don’t listen to your head. Not just yet. Follow me here….
Let’s start with looking at why anyone would act the way you did.
Why wouldn’t you understand what your partner is asking for? Why wouldn’t you respond to what they think are clear requests? Let’s start right here.
The answer is simple: You – and they – don’t know how.
How would you know how to understand what someone wants if you never learned how?
Was there someone in your life that understood you? Talked to you about your wants and needs? Helped you see a path forward to getting them? Taught you how to present yourself with authority without being obnoxious?
No?
I didn’t think so.
That’s the reason you didn’t know how. I don’t know how to play violin either. No one taught me.
Well, the truth is someone tried to teach me piano. By banging my fingers on the keys when I hit them wrong. Made me really love piano. Even now, piano is not my favorite instrument.
Listen, I’m sure that teacher had the best of intentions. So did your parents. So did your partner’s parents. Good intentions aren’t enough. There’s a right way and a bad way to teach the complexities of communication and meeting others’ needs. And getting your own met, for that matter.
Now, let’s complicate this a bit more. Sorry, but life is complicated, you know.
Family Culture
Different families have different ways of communicating, different beliefs about what is the right way and the wrong way to do things. They have different ways of interpreting other people’s communications.
That’s called the family’s culture. Yes, even families have their own culture. It’s their ways, the things they take for granted.
Like, someone told me recently that on the rare occasions their family gave a present, if the person didn’t like it, they just gave it back and told them they didn’t like it! And no one’s feelings got hurt!
Like for instance my late husband used to talk about his family’s secretiveness. He’d make fun of them saying, “Shh. Don’t tell. It’s raining out!”
Or maybe you’ve always thought a little clutter made a house look “homey” but your partner has to have military inspection for the house to look “tolerable.”
You get the idea. We could make this list very long, couldn’t we? How much you share feelings, how important is sex, how much you even talk to each other.
Things you assume. With no discussion.
But then you get married and oh boy.
Now, let’s complicate this even more. What about different ethnic and religious cultures?
You get the drift.
And just when you’re thinking, “I’ve got this! I understand my partner’s culture!” your partner accuses you of stereotyping them! You missed the subtleties.
Family Dysfunction
And all of that is before we ever get to the word “dysfunctional” – a word that I do not like. So let’s use nicer words, like, “they don’t know.”
When families don’t know to how to prepare children for all this, then you end up with tears and confusion.
So no wonder you took a weekend/week “off” to get away from it all with an attractive person of the opposite sex.
And no wonder one of you exploded when you found that out. Or took pills. Or checked into rehab. Or hit the bottle.
Sometimes when you have no clue what to do and the pressure has built to the maximum, you crack.
What Needs To Happen Now
Blame right now is not the answer. (Or blaming yourself.)
What needs to happen is recognize that marriage breakdowns – just because of all these differences that no one has identified or stated very clearly before – are normal. Yes, normal.
But my telling you that they’re normal is only meant to get you to do one thing: Refocus.
Instead of being upset, angry at yourself and angry at your significant other, refocus on what you need to do right now.
And what I see is that you need to focus on learning skills you just did not have – through NO fault of your own.
You need to learn to express what you need and want in a way that is clear to your spouse. Well, clear to yourself first, actually.
And no matter how they react, you can’t get triggered.
Whew! That’s a tall order, DrDeb. You want me to stuff my pain? My anger? My resentment?
No! No! No!
I can teach you how to Tame Your Triggers. That’s the first layer of what you’ll learn if you want to work with me.
And of course, you’ve got to stop hating yourself. Because your partner will start to hate you too. And you can’t really love them either if you are disgusted with/mad at/ashamed of yourself. Because your neediness will show.
You need to become your own best cheerleader! That’s what I call Self-Validation. Do you like that idea? It goes with self-nurturing, self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-valuing. When you feel all that, you become a magnet for your spouse. Nice, huh?
And once you feel compassion for yourself, you’re full. Not empty any more. And you have something left for your spouse. So you can express your needs and wants with honesty – and compassion. That’s why I call my last layer Compassionate Honesty.
If you agree, that these are the skills you would love to have, then you may be interested in my 12-week intensive hybrid of group and personal coaching and 1:1 therapy.
Go here to book a call. https://drdeb.com/book and I promise that whether you work with me or not, you will find the meeting itself an eye-opener.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)