He was beside himself. At four in the morning, Steve got a call from the police. His wife was out cold behind the steering wheel of her car which was that close to being completely wrapped around a tree. He could feel his breath come in short spurts. He was expecting this. But you can’t ever prepare. He pulled his winter coat over his pajamas and slipped quickly into his shoes. Out the door in the cold winter night, he realized he forgot his socks.
There were some inappropriate words going through his head and he knew he needed to keep them in check. But boy, was he mad. She is the angry one; he is the one trying to keep the marriage together, and she cannot and will not stop drinking. She refuses to go to rehab. She refuses, like all alcoholics to admit a problem.
And DrDeb has the utmost gall to tell him he needs to be compassionate?
Then there was Margie. She could not seem to break up with her abuser. He had the nerve to entertain another relationship outside of theirs. Imagine that! He did not hide it. And yet, he expected her to stick with him forever. What a nerve. She even got a restraining order against him the time he slashed her tires for trying to break up with him.
And DrDeb has the nerve to tell her she needs to be compassionate?
There was Mike who needed and wanted – desperately – a few minutes to himself. He did everything for the family. Everything. He worked full time, he cooked, he cleaned, he washed dishes. He took the kids to school and sat with them over homework. And where, exactly, was Mary all this time? Angry. Hurt. Wanting to give up on the marriage.
And here comes DrDeb telling each of them they have to be compassionate?
Wait!
Do you see a pattern here?
I hope you do.
Compassion is what fixes everything.
Compassion is the healing tool that will make the pain subside, make the hatred dissipate, make the sense of loss and hopelessness go away, make you feel like you are on top of your game no matter what.
Now, you’re asking, “Wait a minute. Are you tell me that if I’m compassionate, my wife will stop drinking?” “If I’m compassionate, my abuser will become rational and not hold it against me for breaking up?” “If I’m compassionate, my wife will call off the divorce and suddenly be happy?”
“What are you, crazy?”
No. No. And No. I am not saying any such thing. We all have free choice and the alcoholic will decide to stop – or not. Compassion could help, yes. But that is not the reason it is necessary. The irrational person may put down his defenses and look more rationally at the situation if he’s treated with compassion, yes. But that is not the reason I’m saying it’s indispensable to a marriage – or to any relationship, really.
I’m saying that compassion will set YOU free.
Let me explain.
Step One is to get yourself to a place of recognizing that the person who hurt you is missing something vital in her or his makeup.
Think about this logically: There are many ways to accomplish goals. Nike sells sneakers – even expensive ones – by making owners of those sneakers feel special. When you buy a pair, you become a special athlete able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, or something like that. In any case, Nike has a talent – they make money by getting you to want to spend it.
The opposite of that approach is people who are called “controlling” or “aggressive” or “abusive” and so on. They want to do the same thing! They want you to want what they’re “selling” – their ideas, their decisions, them. And they don’t know how to do that. They don’t have Nike’s talents.
So Step One is very realistic. It’s to acknowledge that they simply don’t know how to be a winner with you. Now, you may disagree. You may say, “But I told them…..”
“Telling” doesn’t work – as you have found out. People do not learn by robotically following directions. They have to feel the truth of it deep inside; it has to make sense according to how they’ve already experienced the world.
As an example, I can tell you, here in these articles, to embrace life and be happy. But if that is not your experience of it, you will be confused about how to go about it, or worse, you will be angry because my telling doesn’t help. And frustrated people don’t necessarily reach out for the help they need.
It all makes sense: They didn’t know better. They “know” in their heads, let’s say, but not in their hearts.
Step Two is to not only recognize this but also recognize that if they are missing something, then they are not whole. And they certainly are not happy. They are missing tools to be the human being they were meant to be, to get along, to live life to its fullest – in short, to be happy.
Yes, they are making you unhappy, but that isn’t all. They’re unhappy living in their own skin. Can you see that? Can you deeply feel the sense of how bitter their lives are?
So Step Three is to feel compassion for them because they are not whole and not happy. And, with it, to feel deep gratitude that you have these very skills and tools that they are missing. Compassion for another always goes along with appreciation to the Master for what we do have.
So instead of being angry, bitter, depressed, frightened, frustrated, or bursting with rage because of the horrible things they did to you, you can focus on what they’re missing that caused them to do those horrible things. You can focus on the fact that because of this, they aren’t happy themselves. In fact, they are not even happy or relieved to mistreat you. If you ask them why they did it, they will often say, “So she knows how I feel,” “So he feels my pain.”
And then you can allow your heart to feel great compassion for their missing pieces and also great gratitude that you are not missing these things. When you allow that into yourself, you get beyond the moment, you get beyond the normal but very unhelpful reaction of wanting to strike back. (Not only does striking back lower you to their level and not accomplish anything anyway – if anything it escalates the problem – but as I’m saying here, you feel worse because of it.)
You get to a place of inner peace.
This is what people in successful marriages do automatically. This is truly taking care of yourself. And of course, if anything, it prevents escalation of the problem with the person who harmed you. But at best, it is altogether possible that your peaceful center becomes a source of interest and curiosity to the spouses of Steve, Margie, and Mike. They will most likely want to feel that inner peace, themselves.
If you need a helping hand with this, give me a call https://drdeb.com/book