You know the story of the guy who was abusive, had a temper, was controlling and demanding, got divorced because of all that and managed to keep it together long enough for a new girl to fall in love with him; and of course she never saw a hint of all the rotten behavior.
They say you can hold out for a while and hide your true self just long enough to impress someone with how wonderful you are. They have a name for that. They call it the honeymoon period.
So in light of that, it makes perfect sense when I hear – countless times – people say that any changes that their errant spouse has made after they filed for divorce are not meaningful, not real, and will not last.
They realize that the divorce was a wake-up call for the spouse who was being hurtful or neglectful all those years, so sure, that spouse is going to make rapid changes. Of course.
But will those changes last?
Their opinion: Highly unlikely
And I would agree. We all will go on that proverbial diet on January 1 and be over it by the 15th, if that long. We all will study for the test after being threatened with a failing grade – but will that change all future study habits?
Probably not.
But what if that errant spouse were being followed? What if I were hounding him, me, myself, night and day? What if I had given him – or her – a structured set of tools in which to learn everything that was missing from his learnings before – how to be patient, polite, sensitive, compassionate, caring, kind, trusting, trustworthy, fair, self-respecting, respectful, strong and not needy, but vulnerable and open, intuitive and understanding? All that and more?
And I was hounding them, mercilessly stalking them to see that they not only did their homework one time but were practicing it every single day?
What if I was right in the mix, helping them straighten out their misunderstandings – in real time – and clarifying even the errors that they didn’t see clearly enough to ask about? What if I were insisting that they report twice a week to me to be sure they’re held accountable for the changes they made?
Well, you could say, “Nah, DrDeb. The minute you stop being on top of their case, they will revert back.”
And you could be right.
But there is another kind of learning. The kind that once you see it, you can’t un-see it. Like that image of the old lady or the young woman. Once you finally have your “eyes opened” so that you see both, there’s no going back.
Some things you can’t unlearn.
Wouldn’t that be more like the day you learned, finally, after so many falls, to keep that bike upright and flying down the street? I remember my moment. I was ten and so dedicated to riding, finally, that I was even dreaming about it. I lived it, breathed it, and finally, one day – glory of glories – I took off down the block, all the way down the block. Oh, happiness!
It was in my bones, in my muscles, in my brain, in every fiber of my body. And I can never, ever unlearn how to ride.
There’s school learning, and then there’s true knowing. Is it a function of time or is it a function of something else?
True learning is a function of experience. It takes place in a different part of your brain than school learning. Mind you, school learning works. We all know how to add, subtract, and spell, more or less.
If you’ve gone on to higher education and you’re a dentist, you know how to fill a filling; if you’re a musician, you know how to play the violin; if you’re an attorney you know how to argue a contract; a doctor can heal a wound; a coder can or write a program. The reason it works is because when we must practice what we learned, it becomes our experience. It becomes part of us.
If your spouse received divorce papers, that was an experience. Boy, what an experience. So it counts as true learning. The problem that you’ve seen many times with people is that some experiences don’t last.
Your kid gets sent to time-out and for some reason, repeats the offence again later after the humiliation wears off. That is true for all of us.
So how does an experience become as much a part of us as “knowing” how to ride a bike?
There are two aspects to that:
- Call it commitment/conviction/buying-in, whatever you want to call it, it has to do with attitude, mindset.
The verbal abuser who hides it in order to date again has not “bought in” to the idea that it is wrong and they would never, ever want to hurt somebody they loved that way.
In opposition to that is that the training I do with people heavily involves them in feeling their own feelings so that they can become empathetic to others – especially to you. When they “know” in their bones how much they’ve hurt you, they simply do not want to do it again because they can feel the pain. They can feel your pain.
- Practice and guidance must be another component because anything learned, no matter how intense, will slip away quickly if it is not practiced multiple times every day for many days.
A program that features this level of practice with the guidance of someone who knows the nuances and can correctly and lovingly correct errors is going to solidify that learning.
And how would change of this degree be possible if it is short?
It’s not a weekend, you know. It’s not like these “intensive” weekends where you go home and you say, “whaaaa?”
It’s a bit longer than that. My program is short enough to keep people from losing hope because they start to see changes very quickly, but long enough to be sure to solidify the results.
The Love Yourself program is a way to solidify change in the heart and soul while teaching people the words and behaviors to implement that change. It’s rapid and permanent. Like learning to ride a bike. It’s a 9-week intensive hybrid of group coaching and 1:1 therapy combined with a skills-training component.
The skills training is all about being able to communicate safely – without getting hurt – and without hurting others. It takes you through four pillars:
*Inner Authority – since most people really don’t know themselves at all – including your feelings, wants, and needs.
*Emotional Agility so you don’t bite your spouse’s head off – or go into victim mode – when they say the wrong thing. In other words, triggers will be a thing of the past.
*Intentional Self-Adoration which means no one can ever undermine you again.
*and Compassionate Honesty because you can speak your truth in a loving way that deepens the relationship. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Learn what this can do for your marriage. Book a call at https://drdeb.com/book . Whether we end up working together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them. Eye-openers like this get the process of knowing yourself (Inner Authority) started.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)