Gaslighting was actually the title of a movie from 1944. In it, the protagonist wants his wife to think she’s going crazy, so he moves the furniture around just enough for the room to feel wrong but not enough for her to consciously notice what happened.The term is used today when one person shrugs off responsibility for the problems in a marriage and manages to turn it all around to the other person.
The use of the term today is a little different from the original idea because the problems are real and visible, whereas moving the furniture ever so slightly was not.Still, the way it makes people feel today is just as bad. It is infuriating for the person to not “notice” their responsibility as the cause of a problem. And the more you tell them, you reason, you argue, you explode – whatever – the more they use that to “prove” that they’re right and it’s all you.
Really infuriating.
But that is what they want….
Just like the guy in the movie, his hands are clean and your reaction makes you the bad one.So let’s break this down a little bit: Why would someone do this?
You picture a “normal” relationship and there are two equal people in it who have a give and take over plans, dreams, values, activities, goals, everything.And this isn’t that.
And you wonder why.
There are really 3 answers to this question and they all fit together:1. The guy is afraid of a normal relationship because he’s afraid of being vulnerable. His experience is that vulnerability means being taken advantage of in a horrible way. I would have to assume that his parents either fought or took advantage of each other in toxic ways. Or that he was.
2. This means that even if he once fell in love with his wife, and even if he did want a normal relationship, he has no idea how to make it happen. And let’s face it, life is not simple. People are complex.
There could be one part of him saying, “I really love Julie and I want a good marriage” and the other part of him saying, “What? Are you crazy? Look how she treats you! You better watch your back!”
3. And then there are your own bad reactions. Here’s a person who doesn’t trust anyone and is terrified of being vulnerable and now he mistreats his spouse who naturally reacts.
But . . . and it’s a big “but” . . . the minute you react badly (and heck, what else are you supposed to do??!) it bolsters the part of him that is not trusting anyone.See?
This person will never initiate stopping this game. It’s too frightening for him.
And by the way – this is the very same person who could easily tell you he had a wonderful childhood.
Because, you have to understand, he will never admit to himself that he’s frightened underneath it all. That, in itself, is frightening.If vulnerability means being tortured, then how can he admit he’s afraid of it? He can’t and he won’t.
That also explains why he will not go to therapy under normal circumstances.HOWEVER, there is an out.
Because underneath the control, the snickers, the put-downs, and the disconnection is fear.He knows at a level he doesn’t want to admit – that he needs you.
He is truly terrified of being alone. “Alone” means vulnerable to whatever it was in his childhood that frightened him so much.So it is guaranteed that when such a person is threatened with divorce, he will suddenly wake up and go to therapy to save the marriage –
OR he will find someone else. And that someone else will not work out. Here’s what not to do:1. Don’t reason.
This is not a case of logic. This is pure-emotion driven and he doesn’t even know that; that’s how far removed from his own feelings he is.
2. Don’t beg.
He doesn’t understand what you’re begging for – doesn’t understand on an emotional level. Also, begging in and of itself is terrifying to him. It triggers his own fear of vulnerability.
That is why your begging is likely to lead to his snickering. Anything to hide that fear from himself.
3. Don’t complain.
At some level complaining echoes the pain that used to be inflicted on him when someone in the house complained. About anything. Anything going wrong would be taken out on him. So complaints become a trigger too.
What can you do, then?
This depends on how bad off he is. If he’s always mean and out of touch, you may have to make plans for your own life. If there’s a chance of doing any good, just say, “I made an appointment for a therapist.” And let it go. No explanations because that will turn into another round of unpleasantness.It just has to has to be a therapist who “gets it.” Me, for example.
I can resonate with this completely. In the past close to 4 years, I have tried to reason, and I have been told that I am “gaslighting”. If I get mad, I am “gaslighting”, if I get over emotional, I am “gaslighting”. I started leaving hints anywhere that I could because my voice has been taken away. I tried any manner in which to get my voice out, which he then said that I was “passive-aggressive”, “gaslighting”, and “emotionally abusive”. I apologized for my passive aggressive behavior. I knew I was doing it, but I have no voice here. I have never been passive aggressive since, and that was 3 years ago now. But now I just internalize all of the pain I am given (Pain Sponge), without any resolution. Because in his eyes, he is the only one right, he does not have any issues, he says the only one with issues is me. I understand how you say there is underlying fear of vulnerability, but our first 23 years of marriage, he had no issues expressing feelings. Even though he has always had a never wrong personality, these attacks on me are completely new as for the last near 4 years. I believe he definitely does have some childhood issues, as I observed his parents to not discuss any issues, all swept under the rug, and the barely spoke to each other. They did not appear happy or joyous and never addressed anything and they died that way. I am sure my spouse will be comfortable living out our days the same way, but that does not work for me and one day I will explode. But I also think there is something else going on here, as I reflect on our lives, I do see that there was paranoid responses to things in our life, that I missed before. It is either a mix of his childhood life and paranoia, or medical reasons. But what triggered all this to come out now? We had a very strong loving marital bond prior to the shocking false accusation that blind-sided me and now I do not recognize who my husband is. He was always so gentle, kind and loving. Now he has been so mean, disrespectful, insulting, and dismisses my needs and feelings. Although things are “calm” now and he is not outright mean, but he has never apologized to me for everything he has done to me unnecessarily, and my voice has still never been heard, and my feelings are still dismissed – I do not say what I need anymore because I have repeated that many times – he knows – and it is all the same things that we used to do for each other – but he ignores my needs now.