I’ve heard the story too many times of people who go to therapy to fix a problem and they walk out with a bigger one.
The therapist wants to hear what’s going on so the couple obliges by starting a fight! Right there in front of the therapist. The therapist feels split at this moment. He wants to understand what’s happening, so he listens to the fight and doesn’t stop it.
But a part of him knows this can’t be helpful, so he tells the couple that he’d really like to help them to not fight any more. But he still does not know how to get the information he needs without hearing them interact. So the next visit is more of the same. Until the couple quits therapy.
What’s missing in this scenario is nobody is listening to each other. Once you deteriorate into fighting, you lose respect, and of course, there is no conversation happening.
Everyone is going on adrenalin: There is a deep feeling of being not listened to, not heard. And this is extremely painful, So everyone starts getting more hurt and more angry at each other, shouting their point in a desperate grab to get listened to.
But since both people are doing it, no one is listening.
Any coaching or therapy situation that is based on “hearing how people really are” is bound to fail because it always degenerates into this.
Any coaching or therapy program that is based on hearing people talk before teaching them to listen is bound to fail, too.
And there’s another thing: There are DIY coaching programs out there that expect everyone to stop fighting and start having fun. This is theoretically a great idea except for one problem: No one STILL gets heard. Okay, they have date night; they have fun. That’s very nice.
But real relationships are based on more than that. Real relationships have got to have real conversations. Real relationships have got to be based on intimacy. And intimacy is based on listening.
Sharing your deepest, scariest self. And someone listening.
But who, exactly, is going to listen? Your spouse, after all, is in the same boat. They don’t feel heard, either. Why should they give you the floor first?
And let’s complicate things, shall we? Suppose you or your spouse or both of you have the capacity to be mean. That’s right. I know it’s rare (okay, you know I’m being facetious) but some people actually can be mean to each other. They admit it all the time, so I guess it’s true. They say hurtful things on purpose.
The number of people who are actually evil, statistically, is small. The rest are struggling to feel good in a difficult, challenging world filled with pain. So I won’t and don’t think you’re evil even if you were mean. It won’t change my opinion of you.
I won’t judge you.
Now, combine that piece – where I stand – with the rest of my program and you’ve got a fighting chance to regain the marriage that is slipping out of your hands.
Consider my 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself. Here are the Pillars of it, what you come out with at the end:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program gets us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
When you book a call with me, you will learn what no one else has told you about yourself: the real causes of the breakdown in your marriage. Then we will map out a strategy for correcting it. Simple?
Tell me your story and we will look for solutions. https://drdeb.com/book With no judgment. And there is no charge for this initial call.
When you’ve booked, be sure to fill out the application that is on another page you will be taken to. That info will help us in our meeting and it probably saves 20 min of talk time.