Really.
I’m not kidding. Self-control is that gritting your teeth, tightening your fist kind of thing. It’s that pushing down of all your feelings until you don’t have them.
Or at least don’t know what happened to them.
That numb kind of thing.
Or else that ready-to-explode kind of thing when you know you shouldn’t explode.
Nah.
You wouldn’t enjoy that and I don’t wish that on you.
First of all, it’s not genuine.
It’s not authentic.
It’s, basically, faking as long as you can hold up.
And then of course, you lose it anyway, and you explode.
Do you disagree with that description of self-control? LMK in the comments if you disagree – please!
So self-control should never be a goal in therapy or in trying to improve your life. Because it doesn’t work. Something has to give.
That’s the way humans are. You control here and something goes wacky there.
You keep from saying what you want to say and you get an ulcer.
Or you say what you want to say and regret it.
Yes, did I mention that letting it all rip is no good, either?
It’s exactly the thing that drives a wedge between people and escalates whatever was wrong to an atomic bomb.
So, no, you don’t want to “express your feelings” either. Nope. Bad idea.
Now, you’re probably scratching your head and saying, “Well, what’s left?”
Let me introduce the concept of Self-Leadership
Self-Leadership is agreement, happy agreement. It’s when all of you – your heart, soul, brain, all of you, is on board to do whatever it was that you felt was the right step.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
It’s like this: Suppose you need to get your kids or grandkids to cooperate with, say, getting to bed or sitting nicely at the table for dinner. Isn’t it more pleasant to “win them with honey” than with threats and punishments?
Now, what if that “honey” weren’t a prize or a toy? What if it was something natural, like, say, more time with you? Maybe just going for a walk or reading a story if they’re young, or playing chess with them that they’d been begging for, if they’re older?
And so with the end goal in mind, they happily cooperate.
The same is true for the community of “parts” within you. We all have “a mind to give him a whack” and “on the other hand, I don’t want to be harsh” to ourselves just like we have to others.
We have parts of us telling us one thing and other parts telling us another. We have a running commentary in our heads!
And often there are arguments within that commentary.
We are not on the same page with ourselves.
So here we have a great opportunity: What if all the “parts” of us, all those mixed voices, differing emotions, various moods, what if all of them could get in agreement with each other?
Wouldn’t that be peaceful and pleasant?
That is Self-Leadership. That peaceful, pleasant feeling of being one with ourselves, and possibly even with others.
You could say that the difference between self-control and self-leadership is that in control, you’re forcing yourself against your own inclinations. In leadership, your inclinations happily fall into line with what your true Self thinks is best.
Getting there is a tricky – but doable thing. Who wants to know more?
I do this with my kids, but never thought of doing it with myself. Tall me more!
Cindy, please browse everything on this site on Internal Family Systems. You can look up you tube videos for Dr. Richard C. Schwartz. That is how I practice therapy. It’s non-blaming, non-judgmental, and makes so much sense.