Finally, your spouse got it. He or she realized it was mean to be mean. And they apologized. From the heart.
But something strange has happened. You’re doing the same thing back. Saying nasty things. Hitting below the belt. And they’re suffering. Now they’re even mad at themselves for apologizing.
Ugh.
But you know how much it hurts – because you were hurt. So why are you taking revenge?
Aren’t we supposed to learn empathy from having experienced the same pain? What is going on here?
The Answer No One Talks About
There is an answer.
You haven’t healed.
Their apology didn’t heal you.
(And I will tell you this: That is exactly what keeps divorce cases forever in the court system. No one’s really fighting about the money. It’s about the hurt feelings.)
It’s kind of like when the scrawny little kid knocks out the bully that has been tormenting him forever. He can’t possibly feel better from all the mistreatment he received just because he sees his bully lying on the ground, absolutely in shock that this could happen.
But somehow, for that scrawny little kid, it does make him feel better. And the audience cheers.
So why is that?
Why do we seem to get satisfaction and healing from hurting someone who hurt us?
It seems fair. That’s all. The score got evened up and that feels like it was fair. No criminal should go unpunished.
But does revenge really even out the score?
It doesn’t. But you don’t not believe they are suffering even if they cry! You think they’re manipulating you with their tears.
The only thing you know — and this is important! — is how much you suffered.
If they cry, it doesn’t work because they’re manipulating.
If they beg it doesn’t work because that means they can’t take the heat in the kitchen.
If they ignore your nastiness and are brave, it doesn’t work because you will heap more on them to be certain it has gotten through their tough exterior.
If they leave to save their skin and their sanity, it will cause you to go after them with more torments.
If they file for divorce, you’ll both be in the system a very long time – even after you’ve found someone else – because you really never do heal by hurting them.
It looks like you’re caught in a box.
But you don’t have to be.
If you could thoroughly heal from their past meanness, you would no longer be angry and vindictive. A healed heart is not angry.
How To Heal
One path to healing – and this is huge – is to be deeply understood. Freud figured this out. That is why there is a profession called “therapy” where what many therapists do is just listen and reflect back that they understand.
It doesn’t give people tools, but for those who desperately need to heal from their wounds, it is incredibly soothing. Being understood is literally a requirement of human relationships.
You do not feel understood. Period. That explains the anger and frustration. It, unfortunately, also explains the meanness.
Your job is to heal yourself first. Make yourself #1. Divorce won’t do it. Being more and more angry won’t do it.
Healing inside will take away your pain and anger. It stops your revenge.
So how do you do that?
My tools bypass the conscious mind.
You cannot use “willpower.” It won’t work.
You need to reconnect to yourself in a way you never have before. You need to clean out the self-judgment, self-blame, and self-criticism in your mind. You need to figure out your triggers and learn the techniques to make them stop tormenting you. You need to forgive yourself first and then be open to a well-done apology from your partner.
This isn’t easy. I know that. But it is eminently doable. And very frankly, if you both are unhealed, it is mandatory.
To get deeper into this information, please join my private group on Facebook,
https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveYourselfLoveYourMarriage