When your spouse finally learns that you’ve caught him or her cheating – in one way or another – what’s the usual reaction?
They get defensive. They cover it up. They minimize it. And they’re not the ones reading this post. You are. The one that got cheated on.
And you have to figure out what to do next.
You love them. Yes, you love them in spite of this. Everyone’s telling you you’re hurting yourself. They’re telling you you’ve got to let go. They’re telling you this person is NO GOOD. But for some reason, you’re not listening. You’re stuck.
You’re intelligent. You’re educated. You have a brain that knows better. Why are you stuck in this nightmare?
This nightmare of feeling your heart beating out of your skin because you can’t be sure what your next discovery will be?
There was the time when you innocently borrowed their phone and you could not believe what you saw.
And the excuses you got. You wanted, so very, very badly to believe the excuses. There was a part of you that DID believe them. You’re a good soul. You were thinking: This person I’ve known for years and years would not do that to me!
But you couldn’t get what you saw out of your head. Like an attack in a back alley, the image keeps coming back to you and you are tormented by it.
You’re tormented with questions, too: Is this real? Am I living in some sort of nightmare that I will wake up from? Can we pretend this didn’t happen?
You would like all and any of those choices, wouldn’t you?
They keep you going from day to day…..until the next discovery. Another violation. Another betrayal. How COULD they?
Your breathing is shallow and comes in gasps. Your head hurts. Your stomach is sick. You cannot think clearly. Sleep is an old, forgotten friend left down the road months ago. This is AWFUL.
There are times when the nightmare goes away, and you are lulled into a false sense of daily normal, a false sense of being okay. Except you aren’t.
If you’re brave, you go forward and hunt for more “evidence” so that you don’t have to remain in this limbo. You don’t know whether finding the evidence is worse or not knowing is worse. Finding the evidence at least keeps you connected to reality.
You don’t know what to think, what to do.
Well, here is what you need to do:
First, you have to do some soul searching. What do you want? If, in spite of this, you want to keep the marriage, then you have to be certain that your partner also does.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that since there was cheating, that proves that your partner doesn’t love you or want to keep the marriage. According to Divorce Magazine, 70% of couples keep the marriage even though one cheated.
Cheating does not mean they didn’t love you. Well, you’re asking, what does it mean?
Research shows that the biggest reason for cheating is feeling disconnected from each other – emotionally, sexually, and mentally.
So the question really becomes: Do you both want to connect? Do you want to love each other again? Do you want to find common ground, things to be excited to share?
Do you want happiness?
Because if you do – if you both do – it’s doable. Not easy, but doable.
There’s a lot of healing necessary. Neither one of you ever allowed yourself to be totally connected to the other. Total connection means being vulnerable – and that is scary.
But see, if you are ready now to go into that uncharted territory, you may be awaiting something amazing and beautiful.
Yes, the journey is scary. And it’s difficult. But if you want to learn how to get there, you should book a free call with me and we will discuss what you really want, both of you.
Then we can map out a plan to get there using my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching and 1:1 therapy program.
Here’s how things will be different for you. You’ll learn –
*Taming Your Triggers so you don’t bite your spouse’s head off – or go into victim mode – when they say the wrong thing. In other words, triggers will be a thing of the past.
How is that possible?
By teaching you to bypass your conscious mind and call upon the wealth of resources in your unconscious.
* Self-Validation which means no one can ever undermine you again – including you! You will learn truly value, care for, admire, and validate yourself. It will be sincere because I will teach you how to bypass the objections you’ve always raised.
*Compassionate Honesty because you can speak your truth in a loving way that deepens
the relationship and it deepens the connection between you.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state. By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth.
Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And I make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Book a call with me; there is no charge. https://drdeb.com/book Whether we work together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)