How many therapists, mentors, and coaches talk about Respect?
Well, they ought to. Respect is key to any relationship. Just think about this: You want more respect from your spouse in your relationship, right? So, does it make sense for a mentor to not respect YOU?
I’ll go one further: Does it make sense for your therapist or coach to not respect your SPOUSE? Heck, if respect is key then it’s key. There’s never a time to drop it off the map.
Listen, I know that when you’re hurt, it’s natural and easy to get very angry at your spouse. Then, of course, one thing leads to another, and the anger turns into a fight. There’s no respect anymore.
Unfortunately, I’ve heard the story too many times of people who go to therapy to fix a problem and they walk out with a bigger one. The therapist wants to hear what’s going on so the couple obliges by starting a fight! Right there in front of the therapist. The therapist feels split at this moment. He wants to understand what’s happening, so he listens to the fight and doesn’t stop it. But a part of him knows this can’t be helpful, so he tells the couple that he’d really like to help them to not fight any more. But he still does not know how to get the information he needs without hearing them interact. So the next visit will probably be more of the same.
What’s missing in this scenario is nobody is listening to each other. Once you deteriorate into fighting, you lose respect, and of course, there is nothing like a conversation happening. Everyone is going on adrenalin: There is a deep feeling of being not listened to, not heard. And this is extremely painful, So everyone starts getting more hurt and more angry at each other, shouting whatever it is their point was in a desperate grab to get listened to. But since both people are doing it, no one is listening.
Any coaching or therapy situation that is based on “hearing how people really are” is bound to fail because it always degenerates into this.
And there’s another thing: There are DIY coaching programs out there that expect everyone to stop fighting and start having fun. This is theoretically a great idea except for one problem: No one STILL gets heard. Okay, they have date night; they have fun. That’s very nice. But real relationships are based on more than that. Real relationships have got to have real conversations. Real relationships are totally based on intimacy. And intimacy is based on listening.
There’s no way around that. Any program that does not teach each person to listen by example will fail in the long run. What do I mean “listen by example”? —
The coaching program itself has got to have a huge component of the coach herself being a listener. So everyone gets heard and everyone has that deep feeling of being validated because someone heard them. If the coach or the program is all DIY, this will never happen.
I totally get that it is really hard to listen when you’re angry, and show respect when you have been disrespected. But what’s the alternative? – to stoop to their level? I don’t think so. That’s why my approach – which does not offer band aids because it is all about total transformation – is based on respect and real listening. I’ve got to respect you. And I’ve got to listen. Tell me your story and we will look for solutions. https://drdeb.com/book