Have they said things like –
“This is who I am.”
Or
“I can’t change.”
Or
“You should love me with my bad parts too.”
Well, they do have their reasons. Old reasons from the hurts in their life.
Like for instance, they might believe –
“Good things happen to other people, not me.”
Ouch. That’s got to hurt, feeling that way.
Here are some more reasons people have for why they can’t change –
“I have a temper that gets out of my control.”
“I have other reactions that I can’t control like numbness, hopelessness, distance, shame.”
Then there is the one coming from the frustration of trying but not succeeding –
“If I never understood my partner me, then how can I suddenly start now?”
I GET ALL THAT.
I feel for your frustration and pain. But
Here’s the good news:
Neuroscience has now demonstrated that specific techniques can
- take the pain out of memories,
- change previously automatic reactions,
- and create empathy and understanding . . .
. . . . all without conscious effort. The process takes place at a brain level that does not require willpower or logic or forcing behavior that is not aligned with feelings.
How is this possible?
Let’s take just one example that most people have heard about: quiet but deep breathing:
Research shows that when we breathe in a way that relaxes our vagus nerve – which is the main nerve running up and down the entire body – we literally stop the release of stress hormones and replace those with calming hormones.
Not only that, scientists have found that practicing this sort of breathing for about three weeks, starts to rewire the pathways between the “alarm” center of the brain and the thinking part of the brain.
This rewiring, in turn, means the thinking center of the brain “tells” the alarm center that “things are okay; you can relax, now.”
Here’s one more finding from the world of neuroscience: The more a person tunes into their own feelings, attitudes, and reactions, the greater their ability to understand other people’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, plans, and beliefs.
Now, imagine having not one but several powerful methods of regulating feelings and reactions.
Imagine having the tools to finally understand your partner. Deep down.
Can you see where change could be possible after all?
I’ve got those tools. And I’d love to just hand them over to you.
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