How To Wipe Out Destructive Patterns
“How long is this going to go on?
This is ridiculous! I’ve told him not once but a thousand times. I won’t take it any-more! It’s got to stop.“
It doesn’t matter “what” has got to stop. It could be fighting, blaming, cheating, neglecting. It could be anything.
But you’re locked into this awful pattern that will not end. Will not.
And you’d think that since you complained about it so many times that the degree of your pain would register. But it didn’t. Fell on deaf ears.
And you would agree that you need to take responsibility here, too. You’re a willing participant. You lose it when you get locked into this. Or you just walk out the door because it’s easier than trying to get a point across to someone who is not listening.
Allen and Kay are a great example.
Allen caught messages on Kay’s phone early on in their marriage – messages to another man. He was horrified, frightened, and hurt.
And he told her he was. He told her that he did everything in the house – didn’t she see that? He did most of the shopping and cooking and even picked the kids up from school. He felt like a single father.
And where was she? Out.
Out where?
He didn’t know and she didn’t say. Confrontations led to denials. Round and round.
They decided to go to therapy. Right away, nearly the moment they said “hello,” Allen blurted out his complaints.
Kay chose the automatic, knee-jerk response which was to accuse Allen of something. “And when was the last time you took me out on a date?” she questioned.
“How can I when you are never there?” he responded on autopilot.
The therapist tried to break this pattern up. She thanked them for showing her how they usually fight but tried to get them on a more positive track. She recommended they go out on date night and communicate to one another their feelings.
What do we know from this about the competence level of their therapist?
She’s incompetent. Period. “Date night” when there is a huge elephant in the room is incompetent. But unfortunately 90% of therapists have no training in marriage work. They have no business “trying” to do it.
Incidentally, when I was a student, my clients and I sat in a room which had a one-way mirror along one wall. On the other side of that mirror was my professor and my class phoning in questions and suggestions throughout the hour. Our class was 8 hours long so that all 6 students could work with a couple (or family) and then we had another 2 hours to de-brief. And that was just one class out of 2 years round-the-clock.
What training to the incompetent therapists have, I wonder, that makes them think they’re able to take on the complexity of two people in a room, two people who have hurt each other?
Back to our date night story. Allen and Kay went. Allen was afraid to start a fight, so he sat there, hoping for something better. The food at the restaurant they chose was good and that helped. The dinner was quiet.
No one but Kay could access the thoughts going through her head, thoughts of the romantic words this other man would say to her, her excitement in his presence, her longing for more of the same, her intense loneliness sitting right here in this restaurant with this stranger she was married to for so many years.
There was no way she could “try” to communicate all this. It would only lead to another fight. Allen would become defensive or accusatory. She could see the handwriting on the wall. She actually couldn’t stand that “date night” and resolved not to make that mistake again.
She told the therapist on the next visit that she was through. And that was that.
Destructive patterns do not get wiped out with date night.
They do not get wiped out by going through them all over again in the therapist’s office.
They do not get wiped out by each person telling the other person what it is that they so badly need when the other person also has an empty bucket.
They do not get wiped out by “communicating.” First of all, in this case Kay felt hopeless – as you could see – to even bother trying to communicate. The therapist could tell her to “try” and she won’t have the energy or motivation.
Second of all, how do two people know how to communicate in a way that gets heard, respected, and listened to when they never did? Where are the tools?
Destructive patterns get annihilated when:
- a person feels so good about themselves that they don’t need affairs to feel whole.
- they’ve been healed from the past and have an array of tools to feel calm and happy inside regardless of the storm around them.
- they know exactly which needs they have and can express them clearly to their spouse.
- they can tell immediately whether the other person has “gotten” the message and they know exactly what to do when their S.O. hasn’t. No time is wasted in “trying.”
- and perhaps most importantly, their spouse is working – hard – alongside them to learn the same things.
Only then can real marriage work begin. Only then can the tools of communication be upleveled to where there really is communication – with a caring person actually listening. Only then can we start to talk about going deeper to meet needs at a soul-level.
But it will not happen by itself. Guaranteed. 100%.
It will not happen from ordinary “marriage counseling” because what I’ve described above just isn’t really marriage counseling.
It will not happen from telling your spouse over and over to work on it because your spouse has no idea how to do that.
And it will not happen from escaping and avoiding reality like having an affair or using drugs.
But it will happen when the above list is respected and a program is built around gaining every one of those goals. That’s what my program has. And no other coaching program does. And therapy certainly doesn’t. Here’s what you’ll walk out within my program which is a 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself.:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program get us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
And just exactly how do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility so as to overcome the triggers). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
But – if you are going to commit to doing the work – it will happen with me. Book a call to find out why I am so confident. https://drdeb.com/book . When you book a call with me, you will learn what no one else has told you about yourself: the real causes of the breakdown in your marriage. Then we will map out a strategy for correcting it.
When you’ve booked, be sure to fill out the application that is on another page you will be taken to. That info will help us in our meeting and it probably saves 20 min of talk time.