Should I Listen To The Advice Everyone’s Giving Me To Leave My Abusive Spouse?
You don’t know what to do. It’s happened again. You’ve gotten yelled at. Made fun of. Put down. Name-called. Gotten eyeballs rolled. Threatened. Even a little of that gets under the skin. It’s corrosive. Toxic. It hurts.
And everyone that cares about you – who knows that this is going on – is telling you to leave the abuser. You went to a therapist and they even told you to leave the abuser. You Googled this online and it seems like you ought to leave your abuser.
And you cannot tolerate one more day like this. It is too much!
Yet….
That’s a hard step. A step you don’t want to take. Your children miss their mommy/daddy. You miss your partner too. You miss the good times. The laughter. The sweet moments. But the look in their eyes when they cursed you out remains seared into the back of your mind. Their red cheeks and red neck when they screamed still terrifies you.
You are beside yourself with confusion.
But it doesn’t have to be that hard. Really. Abusers can change. Absolutely.
The question is: Will this one change? Here is how to tell:
The hardest thing for anybody is to look at themselves and say, “You know? I was wrong.”
It’s so simple, a short, three-word sentence that nobody wants to say. Even to themselves. It’s that hard. But in order to learn how to express their pain – and get listened to – they have to start over. They have to recognize that their way is no good.
So, is he or she committed to taking responsibility even if you also have things to learn?
I will tell you this: If you want to find out if they will take responsibility, don’t point fingers; don’t get angry back. The only way to be sure that they are capable of admitting their wrongs is if you don’t give them an excuse to put up their defenses.
(This is what I meant in my Masterclass about “wearing masks.” If you never saw it, you should. Email me for the replay link if you don’t see it in your email.)
When we make an accusation in an irritated tone, it puts up defenses. When we do it with gentleness and concern, we get a more honest response. But if you have trouble with that because you have been a victim for so long, I get it. Then you may need help with it.
Abusers get very tired very quickly of “always being the bad one.” I don’t blame them. A person would need to have a very strong ego to tolerate always being in the wrong and needing to work on one more thing. Ugh.
Yet the reality is that they really are often in the wrong and need to work on one more thing! Can they take responsibility and not get tired out? Can they go forward and keep learning? Will they eventually say “enough”? Because if they’re going to give up, then they really aren’t sincere about changing and they really aren’t committed to the process.
The sad thing here is that abusers do not have the strong ego that they need. They’ve been in the wrong so much, they often don’t even like themselves.
So if they give up, it’s not because they don’t love you enough. It’s because they don’t like themselves enough.
Yet they can’t allow themselves the luxury of giving up – or nothing will change and you will always get hurt.
The solution, of course, is to get them to first love themselves. Then they build up the foundation they need in order to withstand hearing so many complaints about them. That is exactly why I’m successful with abusers – and victims. I give them the tools for the Self-Love that they need first.
And another question: Is he or she going to stop pointing fingers?
True, you do have your share for them to complain about. How do I know? Because it’s never 100% on one person. Never. But they still are not allowed to point fingers. There can be no blaming going on. That goes for you, too, by the way. If your partner commits to doing all the work and takes responsibility for what he or she needs to do, and won’t point fingers at you, then you can’t point fingers at them either.
These are the ways you can tell if your partner, who has been abusive, can and will reform: They take responsibility and they stop pointing fingers.
But how do you get them to even take that first step? You are too stressed out yourself to bring up the question (of whether they will do these two things) in a calm, loving, non-confrontational way. What to do?
This is where a call with me comes in. I will go over the situation with both of you together and because I am a stranger, I can lovingly and gently question your partner to see if they will, indeed, take responsibility.
I’ve worked with hundreds of abusers who have quickly and relatively easily given up all their abusive behaviors. On that call (which is free) I will give you both my honest impressions as to where to go from here. Then we map out a plan for going forward. One possibility – if they “pass” these two tests and you also are willing to look at yourself – is my 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself.
When people are finished this course, they have these wonderful qualities under their belt:
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program get us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
What have you to lose? It’s my pleasure to do this – and your gain. There’s no charge for the call.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)