You did know there were problems. For sure, there were problems. But you honestly did not know they were THIS bad.

Your wife left. Or threatened to leave. Or saw an attorney. Or served you with divorce papers. Or had an affair. Or you find yourself paying attention to other women.

What’s going on??

How did this happen??

I can tell you that it did not happen out of the clear blue sky. There were warnings. You either didn’t see them or didn’t understand what they meant. Or didn’t want to. The truth is — and I don’t care how long you’ve been married — you don’t know women.

You do know that you love your wife. Or loved. Or thought you did. For sure, that is something you know.

But you don’t even know why. Or maybe you do.

But you still don’t understand her.

And you are feeling a combination right now of panic and hopelessness. Maybe also anger. All that is normal.

I get that. I get that for two reasons. First of all because I am a therapist and 50% of the people who call me for private therapy are men in your situation. And I’ve helped them! (Please see my About DrDeb page to get an idea of my interesting history and experience. Please see the blog post What’s the Difference Between Therapy and Coaching to get how I work with — and help — people.) The second reason is that I’m a woman. So I understand women.

The thing is, we are really not that hard to figure out. We’re just different and when you get the key to the difference, everything else will fall into place.

I would like to give you that key right now and then link it up to how you will get your wife back. I mean, really back: to a loving, happy, intimate, and passionate marriage.

Okay, in order to prepare you to accept what I am going to tell you, we have to do a little explaining of how your wife perceives you.

While it is true that I don’t know you, I’m suspecting that if you are reading this, you have been making one grave mistake (among a few others) in handling your differences with your wife.

I am suspecting that in a “discussion” (read: “heated discussion”) you are defensive (or worse, attacking).

What I mean is that you feel a great need to “explain” yourself. Your sense of justice and how you see the world is foremost in your mind.

Am I right?

Let me share with you how women perceive this.

They are turned off. Exhausted. Bored. Pushed away. (Hundreds of research studies back this up and I will be happy to give you a reading list upon request.)

Not exactly the stuff of hot romance.

That is what I mean by being “defensive.” Its totally counterproductive. And here’s why. The reason is crazy simple:

When you defend yourself, by definition, you are wearing a sheet of armor. And women don’t want that. They want to connect to the REAL PERSON inside.

I told you it was crazy simple, didn’t I?

See, women are not that complicated, contrary to popular mythology. Above all else, women want to connect. The truth is men do, too. Only they were taught by society to put up all these WALLS. What a mistake.

So now that I have prepared you for what you have to do, you must be wondering how in the world can you connect when your wife is furious, cold, or gone?

She will. Don’t worry. If you are up to doing this right.

Doing it right means with all your heart. If you can’t muster that, stop reading.

(I have guys wanting their wife back because they are terrified of losing their kids but they don’t care a fig for their wife. If that’s your case, I probably can’t help you, although you could give it a try. Maybe when you follow all the directions, you will see enough of a softening in her — and in yourself — to start to care. I don’t generally give up on people.)

So what is needed is the real you. Without defenses. No excuses. Just you. You have to take the bull by the horns and apologize to your wife. For every hurt you inflicted.

See, the way an apology works for women is that — if done correctly — allows the apologizer to be HIMSELF. Unvarnished. Women connect with the real man; that’s what they want.

Okay, it’s not easy. It’s hard. I agree. Because it has to be done correctly. It can’t smack of something you put on as a show just for her. Insincerity will come through.

So although the DOING of it is not easy, you will admit that the concept is simple to understand, right?

If you are with me so far, then let me share with you exactly what to say to your wife. I can put the words right into your mouth. And I will give you even more than that. I will explain the 7 worst mistakes to avoid and what to do if you made them already. I will also explain 4 more things, besides connection, that women want.

Obviously, to make this the real you, you will have to take the essence of what I’m going to tell you inside. You’ll have to agree with it. You’ll have to make it your own. But it is doable. Because it will make sense to you.