I’m not going to mince words. The answer is that if you THINK you love someone else more than yourself, it’s not love in the first place. You didn’t love them that much and you surely didn’t love yourself that much either.

Why? Why do I say that?

Well, let’s examine love a little bit.

Love For Your Child

This is the easiest one to describe because most people have either experienced it or seen it up close and know what it is. It is a passionate connection to someone who can’t give much back! A baby is taken out of your body, a child that you kinda had a relationship with, if you’re a woman, for 9 months and you feel some sort of connection. Then the baby has needs and those needs keep you hustling around the clock. You forget what sleep is in the serving of this other human being. That is the purest form of love. What is the main feature here? – Giving.

Romantic Love

Romantic love is actually the opposite. It’s not even really love. It’s infatuation; it’s obsession. So much so that scientists have determined that the same hormones are raging in romantic love as in people with severe cases of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)! And why? Why the obsession? – Because of what this other person gives *to me*. The romantic love partner is no longer the giver but the receiver. True, they will turn into a giver, but that is only because of the largess they have been receiving. You do want to give to someone who gives to you.

Now it is quite true that you can be in love with someone who does not return it. And that is called “unrequited love.” But it’s no different at all. It’s still receiving, only this time, the receiving is all in fantasy. You imagine receiving all that wonderful attention and it feels so good. And mind you, who is the object of this love? – It is someone who fits *your definition* of “perfect,” whether that is because of looks, gestures, how he/she comports themselves, money, social status, or whatever. There’s no giving here at all. It’s all about receiving.

Which brings me to the next type of love, a love that isn’t at all.

Needy Love

A person can convince themselves that they love someone who isn’t even perfect and doesn’t even fit their own definition of what an ideal partner should be. Worse than that, they can tell themselves that they’re in love with someone who mistreats them. They may even be aware of the mistreatment, but they don’t want to discuss it. The more their friends warn them against this individual, the less they listen.

Why do they do that?

The needy person clings to someone who does not love them and doesn’t even know how to love anyone for the simple reason that their neediness is an addiction. Here’s how addictions work. When I was in my late teens or early 20s, I was curious about cigarettes. I tried one and I couldn’t believe how awful it was. Anyone, absolutely anyone who was just starting would agree with me. You’re inhaling this smoke that is making you choke and cough. And it didn’t even have any effect. There was no gain for me and that was my first and last cigarette.

The physical reaction is the same for everyone. But there’s a social goal here that is powerful. People want to be accepted and if the crowd they’re with is smoking, they’ll jump past the awful part. The only problem is that after a short while it is no longer by choice because they become addicted. Once addicted, there is nothing about the cigarette that’s “pleasant” either. They simply “have” to have one.

Now, you might argue that that is a physiological addiction. It turns out that the brain works surprisingly similarly when the addiction is “just” emotional. Gamblers and shoppers experience a similar high to chemically addicted people and so do people who crave sexual attention. The way to tell whether the sexual craving is a true addiction is the same as for any other addiction: Does the person have trouble giving it up or decreasing it? Have there been negative consequences which have not stopped or even limited the behavior?

How does this happen in the case of needy love?

The individual with this problem may have experienced molestation or any form of abuse which lowered their self-esteem. According to expert Patrick Carnes, if a person was sexually abused yet physically aroused at the same time, then bad treatment is associated with sexual pleasure and the two are hard to untie. But even when that was not the case, anyone who was not loved properly as a child will be thrilled with a few crumbs of attention or protection from a member of the opposite sex and so the needy love takes hold.

Self-Love

Self-love is self-valuing. It means knowing and liking who you are. It is not narcissistic (please see my articles on this subject; they show that narcissism is the absence of self-love). Self-love withstands the challenges of life such as unpleasant incidents at work, losing a contest, or even divorce. Self-love is absolutely necessary for a person to be able to give the love to others that they ought to get as part of a healthy relationship. Remember that baby, above? A person lacking self-love will not have the energy, desire, or even connection with the baby to give it the care it needs to survive.

Without self-love in an adult relationship, the same thing is true: The individual lacking it doesn’t have any or enough for others. In fact, here’s where it looks like there’s tons of love when there isn’t: In needy love, the needy person does not love herself or himself yet showers attention on another person. It looks like they love the other more than themselves when actually this is not love at all. It’s neediness and there is no love there for themself or the other.

And this also explains why the person lacking self-love won’t be loved. The attention they get will be from someone who wants to take advantage of them because of their own lack of self-love. Since there is no love for themself, they need to get it from somewhere else so they tease and attract needy people who are ready to chase after them. The chasing feels good to them; it fills to a small degree a void inside, much as any addiction distracts the addicted person from their problems on a temporary basis.

I Help Those Lacking Self Love to Acquire It

It is possible and not even that difficult to develop self-love. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not something you can get by reading a self-help book. It’s not something you will get too quickly with traditional therapy, either, if at all. When I say it’s not that difficult, what I mean is that if you are a skilled pianist, then playing a concerto may not be that difficult. I, personally, could not play a concerto on the piano. So for me to help you with self-love it is not that difficult. That is because this is my life. This is what I do. Helping you with this is the foundation of your being able to enjoy a real relationship of true love. Isn’t that what you want?

To get started, book a call with me, https://drdeb.com/book