When you go to counseling, there’s no endpoint.
There’s a general, vague sense of “Am I getting better?” “or happier?” Or “Are we now getting along?” But unlike, say, taking a course to become something like a lawyer or a doctor or a CPA, there are no milestones, no skills to acquire in the usual experience of therapy, at least not explicitly stated ones.
On the other hand, an endpoint encourages and motivates you to accept more responsibility for change. So let’s look at where it starts, where it gets to, and how it got there.
Well, let’s start with the beginning point, Point A. What would that look like?
If you’re in a challenged marriage, you might feel:
- Hurt, Pained
- Overwhelmed
- Depressed, Sad
- Confused
- Angry
- Frustrated
- Bored
- Blaming
- Critical
- Disrespecting
- Distant from
- Disrespected
- Self-pitying
- Frightened
- Worried
- Grieving
- Stymied
Let’s look at Nancy and Fred
Nancy, says it is all Fred’s fault.
Fred has been highly critical and berates Nancy. You would think that Nancy’s problems would disappear if Fred were kind and sweet.
The problem is that Fred is kind and sweet. That is why Nancy married him. And why she has stayed married to him. He is generous to her and the kids as well as to extended family. He is loving and even helps around the house.
But — Nancy is hurt, sad, depressed and more because Fred criticizes, is sarcastic and angry often enough.
So Nancy bites the bullet and reaches out for help, alone.
So What’s Her Result Look Like?
*Nancy is calm, and confident.
*She knows exactly what she wants and how to get it.
*She is purposeful and courageous – because she knows it will not be easy.
*She is secure within herself, no longer depressed or anxious. That and the overwhelm have been replaced with clarity.
*Not only does she no longer beat herself up but she has completely stopped blaming Fred. She realizes that Fred is frightened to face himself because he thinks what he will find is ugly.
*She feels only compassion for Fred.
*At the same time, she also recognizes that he has been dishing out unnecessary pain. Probably as much to himself as to her. But it is unnecessary and she does not want it in her life.
*She also knows that she cannot make ultimatums to Fred because he will get defensive and the whole thing will backfire.
*Furthermore, she doesn’t want to. She wants to remain happy within herself. She neither wants to run away from an argument nor to start one.
*She reached a place of being grateful for the journey she has been on and for the learning she has done. But she is quite certain that abuse should not be part of it.
Here’s What That Looks Like
So in a loving and gentle tone, she tells Fred that although he perceives it as scary, he will have to undergo counseling to stop his put-downs and anger.
She makes her requirement short and kindly. Her face is soft and caring. He does not feel defensive. He says he does not want to go to counseling, however. Now, she is curious. “Why not?” she asks in a neutral tone.
Fred inhales deeply. Her tone has opened him up. Nancy is his second wife. His first wife and he went to counseling, he explains, and the counselor pounced on him in the very first visit, telling him it was all his fault and he’d better shape up!
Well, you can see where that logic (or the lack of it) got them. (Dozens of people have told me stories like this, unfortunately.)
But Nancy is not tempted as she once might have been, to say, “Well, that’s true!”
Because in her personal work on herself she rose above that. Blame is out the window as a bad idea from the get go.
“You never told me that story,” she said softly. “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry you went through that humiliation and pain.” There were tears in the back of her eyes, not quite ready to come out, but connecting her and Fred.
Fred was clearly surprised. He had taken a chance to share his vulnerable story and expected to get bashed for it. Instead, his wife was understanding. He felt heard. “Maybe the therapist she went to isn’t the same,” he thought.
How Did Nancy Get Here?
I have an amazing marriage program for couples who have been married some time and are sick and tired of fighting or coldness. Instead of divorce they want friendship, trust, unity, understanding, and affirmation from each other. And they can have that!
It is 13 weeks long. This is what you will learn:
*Taming Your Triggers
The automatic reactions of feeling hurt, or angry, or a desire to run away (through addictions, affairs, and other forms of escape), or a need to attack are caused by triggers.
You will learn what triggers you, and more important, why those things bother you when they may not bother others.
You will explore the deep roots of your triggers and learn techniques to calm them including but not limited to breathwork, Schwartz’s Self-leadership work.
*Self-Validation
Part of Self-leadership is about making friends with the hidden parts of yourself that you don’t like. These parts have unintentionally caused a lot of trouble! The goal is to understand them, value them, love them, and let them gently know that YOU’RE in charge.
It is only when you accept yourself completely that you have energy and love for the people in your life. Self-love is also the best defense against neediness, or being controlling of, or angry at, your partner.
And the bonus is that you become more attractive to them when you don’t need them or control them.
You’ll do this through the correct use of Affirmations – backed by Truth Evidence – as well as the Self work described above.
*Compassionate Honesty
Only at this point can you get to communication.
Only when the triggers are out of the way and the self-love is part of your conversations do you have the courage to be your honest Self.
But it is also only when you come to accept yourself that you can bring your compassion to those conversations so that you will speak your truth in a way that does not hurt but helps the relationship to deepen.
After intensive Self-work – and only then – will you learn communication skills which you combine with an Apology section that adds to the healing. While you can and must heal yourself, friendship with your spouse starts with the ability to let down your guard and give an apology that recognizes their pain.
And HERE ARE THE EXACT DELIVERABLES
- Each person will get Lifetime access to the learning materials.
The learning materials are in the form of videos, audios, handouts to be filled in, homework to help you focus on and consider your own emotions, reactions, and attitudes. (Plus more below) There are about 8 hours of video/audio time in all.
This format is superior to traditional therapy because it gives you space to do a lot of thinking and trying out as you watch the videos, do the written work, and experiment with new approaches toward your daily circumstances. This format compels you to face yourself in the privacy of your own place. You will learn more – and absorb it – far better than in therapy.
- During the thirteen weeks of the program, you will have 24/7 text message access to me to ask questions and bring up issues.
This is important because you still do need encouragement, support, direction, and guidance. I am not there to merely say, “Uh-huh.” I am with you to share the results of my years of experience so as to help you know what works and what doesn’t.
- There are 24 in-depth group coaching calls.
There are 4 benefits from group coaching:
*First, it is a frequent, real-time opportunity to ask questions that come up.
*Second, it is a means of accountability for you because I will be able to ask you what you’re up to, how it’s going, what questions you have, and so on. Often people think they have no questions, but the group format enables me to see what they may not see and share that with them.
*Third, by listening to other peoples’ questions and my answers, it may spark some thoughts in you that are helpful.
*Fourth, people in the group are a lovely source of support for one another. Note that this is a very safe space as I only select people who would be compatible with one another.
Here are some comments from clients about what they like about the group Q & A:
* “It makes me feel less alone to know other people are going through the same thing.”
* “It gives me hope to hear from people who have been in the program longer and to find out what they have accomplished and overcome.”
* “I realize when I hear from newer members where they’re at, that I’ve come quite far so it’s very validating of all the work that I do.”
- Each person will get 3 one-to-one private therapy sessions in the first 6 weeks of the program to go over what deeper questions you may have
The first six weeks of the program lay a foundation of new tools for you. You must practice them daily in order to reduce your trigger reactions, get clearer on the stumbling blocks you’ve had, and upgrade your thoughts about yourself. So my job in these sessions is to be certain that you’re on track. These sessions will be more personal and in-depth than the group or text format.
Why only three instead of six as traditional therapy does, i.e., why not every week instead of every other week? – The answer is that this is more efficient. You’ve got a lot of self-work to do and you need time to practice your new skills so that by the time we connect, you’ll have gotten some experience with the tools and we can discuss it.
- Each person will then have a 3-week mini-intensive of 6 one-to-one sessions with me.
This is an incredible addition to the one-to-one work we will do. We will be discovering the many parts of your Self and learning how to manage them. They are your coping mechanisms which will always be a part of you. We will be following the work of Dr. Richard C. Schwartz and colleagues. We build this on top of a firm foundation of the first six weeks.
- In the last three weeks of the program, there will be six couples therapy sessions.
Because of the previous nine weeks of work, there will be no conflict, no argument, no blaming, no criticism. Those things will have vanished because you will know how to take Self-leadership (Schwartz) when challenged and I will be there to help you back into that state of Self-leadership.
- There is a Facebook group that is strictly for the people who are in or have graduated from the course. I give a training there twice a week on new material that I learn about as we go forward.
There are three benefits to this group above and beyond all the learning, practicing, and guidance the above will give you:
- First, all new learning that I do I will pass onto everyone, current, and past.
- Second, this means that all graduates can ALSO ask me questions since I check this group twice a week when I’m there. Thus, you basically get me forever.
- Third, like the group coaching calls, this group affords you an opportunity to ask questions of previous members of the program how it is going for them and anything specific you like. It is an additional, and broader, source of support.
As you can see, the support aspect of the program is superb, personal, and goes beyond any other therapy or coaching program.
But with all the support, 24/7 access, and the fact that I won’t let you fail, the program is high ticket. Don’t think in terms of counseling with people who can’t guarantee results. Think of a 4-year college degree, or a Lexus (which starts at $40,000.) Okay, it’s not that much.
But it should be!
It’s worth even more to you than $40K, anyway. This is your Life, after all.
But I priced it affordably at the cost of a ten-year old Honda Civic, I’m embarrassed to say. That’s the range. We will get into specifics if we find we are a fit.
Find out for yourself in a free consultation call. https://drdeb.com/book.