I Look Abusers In The Eye
I tell them what’s what. With love.
Because they’re not inherently evil.
We’re going to take a peek into little Randy’s house. Randy is four years old. His three-year-old sister just got a gift from a doting aunt. It was a sweet-faced doll. Aunt Lila said, “I couldn’t resist. I saw this doll and thought immediately of Beth.”
Well, that is very nice. Lovely. But what about Randy? We can see the dark cloud hovering over his head. There’s a part of him that is thinking – unconsciously – “What’s wrong with ME? Why didn’t I get that doll?” See, he’s not particular about the nature of the gift. He just didn’t want to be overlooked. Of course, he’s too young to be aware of these thoughts. They are more like inarticulate feelings. Suddenly, he goes and kicks his sister in the shins.
The family is aghast. How mean he is! And they tell him so. They are SURE to tell that to him because that IS mean behavior. He storms off to his room and starts ripping things up in there. He is so angry. Of course, he couldn’t tell you why if you wanted to know, and frankly, even if he could explain it, he doesn’t trust you any more because you did not understand him. At all. You decided he WAS mean. Not that he acted improperly, but was mean.
Randy is ALSO not allowed to cry. He is in so much pain. He now doesn’t like his aunt or his sister. He also hates himself. After all, look what he did! He thought he was a good person, but he clearly isn’t. If he were to cry, someone would tell him his tears are misplaced, that he should be crying for his poor sister who was hurt so badly, her leg is now sore. From his four-year-old kick.
Randy has to do something with these awful feelings. He doesn’t know what to do. He starts kicking at his toys, this is a great distraction. Nothing gets better.
Fast forward a few years. Randy “knows” deep down inside that he is rotten to the core. He’s been receiving this message for a long time. He’s a big boy of 10 now and the kicks have pushed him to take action. He starts smoking weed. It is funny! He can laugh. Wow. That’s a new one. He has found something.
Fast forward again. The adult Randy also can get a “kick” out of a relationship. He knows he can be cool and cute. Someone will like him. And they do. He marries someone. She reminds him of his sister. She cries easily. He does not – under any circumstances – want her to see his pain. But he could be in pain. It wouldn’t take much. After all, there’s the idea of the straw that broke the camel’s back: He’s had a long accumulation of pain.
So is Randy evil? Of course not. He’s the child who got “kicked,” then kicked again for complaining, and then grew up with no tools.
Randy has to learn Life from scratch. Starting with loving and valuing himself. Yes, himself. That’s the start of healing his old wounds. He can build on that to learn to value his feelings and he can learn that it can be safe to communicate them; he can learn that those feelings are the key to getting his needs met. There’s lots to learn.
Now, I am certain that you may not like this approach. You got hurt by an abuser and the LAST thing you want to do is feel compassion for them.
I get that. You’re mad. You do not want to feel sorry for that abuser. You are so very, very mad.
But hold on, there. Did you want more “Randys” in the world who go on hurting people or more “Randys” in the world who heal and then treat other people with the love, kindness, and compassion they deserve?
In other words, did you want your own “Randy” to still mistreat you or did you want him to recognize, deep inside where the pain hurts, that he hurt you? That’s called “empathy.” Did you want Randy to become empathic or not?
See, those are your own real choices – either he stays the same and goes on hurting others, or he becomes a sensitive, caring person.
And the only way to get that change in Randy is to treat him with the sensitivity and kindness that he never got.
So you have a choice. You can perpetuate Randy’s evil by being angry and nasty to him for what he did. Or you can help turn him around.
Listen, you don’t have to do anything, really. Let Randy come to me and I’ll get him fixed up.
Randy, you listening? You won’t even mind. In fact, it will bring a smile to your face. It always does for “my” people. Book a call for a personal meeting with me https://drdeb.com/book and let’s see how I can help you turn everything around. 180. No charge at all. I’m here to help.