In the last years that my husband was alive, he’d gotten paranoid. (Later, I put the pieces together and realized that he’d had Frontal-Temporal dementia.)
We would have long talks about this family member he was angry at and I was sooooo frustrated that he did not “get” it. I would explain things up and down and sideways and around, and no matter how logical I was and fact-based, it didn’t work.
My frustration levels went through the roof.
After all, I’m a rational person and I thought he was as well. I mean, I got a Ph.D. for crying out loud! And he used to respect me for it….
But it didn’t work.
Today, I know why.
It absolutely will not work to be logical with someone who is tied emotionally to a particular viewpoint.
Shall I repeat that?
It absolutely will not work to be logical with someone who is tied emotionally to a particular viewpoint.
So, whatever you do, don’t try to be logical. It will not only not work – it will backfire.
Why will it backfire?
Well, imagine a conversation between Steve and his brother Larry who he’s in business with. They do not see eye to eye on an important point.
So the more Steve tries to convince Larry, Larry will come up with answers and reasons why the logical points are wrong.
Note that Larry’s responses will not be logical.
They can’t be.
They can’t be logical because Larry’s tie to his own approach is purely emotional. On the other hand, he can’t admit that! That would make him look, welll . . . . emotional!
So he will try to sound logical and it will fail, but Steve will get frustrated because Larry is keeping the thing going instead of giving in and admitting it’s emotional.
In other words, Steve’s attempt at being logical is going to come crashing down on him sooner or later.
So what do you do to get your spouse into therapy?
You can’t be emotional, either.
LOL
I know. This makes you quite stuck.
The reason you can’t be emotional is that you can’t use your emotions to convince someone to change theirs.
See, logic can fight logic – if it really is logic you’re fighting.
But for sure emotions can’t fight emotions. After all, everyone has their own.
That is the reason why crying does not work for women. Men feel the tears are being used as a weapon against them and they will go out of their way to harden their hearts.
And of course yelling and other displays of anger won’t work either.
Well, I take that back. Anger may possible get the other person so frightened of you that they do what you want, but they will go into it with a chip on their shoulder that will prevent the therapy from working.
Chips on shoulders keep a person distant from making a connection with the therapist and absorbing what that therapist is saying or doing.
Anyway, the last thing you want to do to fix a marriage is to have your partner frightened of you; that is a wedge and a wedge is majorly counter-productive to a marriage.
But There Is An Out
You’re not completely stuck.
The way around it all is to address your partner’s emotions.
What is the hangup about therapy, anyway?
–did they have a bad experience at some point?
–do they think that therapy is not up to the job of fixing them or the marriage?
–are they afraid of digging into past pain?
But – warning – once you understand their feelings, do not try to use logical against those feelings!
Remember, we just explained that you can’t.
I know you want to.
But….
It doesn’t work and it will come to haunt you later on.
You just have to be sympathetic.
If that sounds counterintuitive, I get that.
But it works.
The more you show you understand – you get them – the less they will feel the need to keep beating that drum.
And – here’s the beauty of it – the more they feel calm and less pressured, the more open they may be to talking about your feelings.