“I am so sad.”“I feel like I’ve lost years of my life through the mistakes I’ve made.”
“I keep messing up; I don’t like myself because of it.”
“The only person in the world who ever loved me was Him (or Her) and they’ve left.”“I need a drink.” (Substitute any escape mechanism you’d like.)
That’s what leads to the bad kind of neediness.
Thinking there is something seriously wrong with you or how you handle your life so the only person who loves you is this Other person or thing and you therefore need them.You don’t.
How would you like to turn the exact same situation into a Good Kind Of Neediness?It’s simple to understand and feels like a huge mountain to climb to do it.
Yeah, I’m giving you a warning: If you want easy, fugged about it.
But if you want results and you’re sick and tired of feeling rotten, I’ve got results for you.It IS do-able. It’s not Mount Everest. It’s just a mountain. We climb these all the time and think nothing of it.
I mean, just getting married is a big deal, right?
Having – and raising – kids is a big deal, too.
But we do these things.And we do them without preparing.
Well, I am going to prepare you! So this mountain becomes climbable.The solution is a two-step process.
Step 1: Know that this “needy” part of you is not the whole you.
Thank the part because it has tried to get you the love that was missing inside of you. It meant to be helpful.It’s a coping skill that you got a long, long time ago.
Now that you are an adult, you don’t need that coping skill any more.But we don’t want to throw it out, either. Because it’s a part of you.
We just want to thank it, understand it, value it, and move on to Step 2.Step 2: Recognize that there is a Self which is hidden behind your parts and the Self is gorgeous.
When I say it’s gorgeous, I mean in terms of character.It is wise, and really knows your good points. It loves your good points.
It doesn’t beat you up for your bad points.
Instead it’s happy to see you learn from life without getting down on yourself.That’s your Self.
Your true, undamaged, beautiful, shining Self.You have one.
How do I know?
Because you’re alive. A living, breathing person has a Self.Yes, it’s hidden behind many parts, not just the needy one.
And every part has taken on a job in your inner world.And some of those jobs can be executed more effectively when the parts that take them on collaborate with your Wise Self.
And your Self makes the final call on how you will feel.Yes, your Self can do that.
Your Self can decide that you are strong and capable and can handle life without Mr. or Miss Right needing to love you.Your Self can love every part and your whole being.
So really, the answer to: What is a good kind of neediness? – is simply you recognizing and valuing your Self. You need to love yourself.That is the good kind of neediness.
And it comes from making that important separation between the parts of you that have been running your life and your True Self that has taken a back seat.Have you found your Self yet?
Most people didn’t even know they have one. They operate from the parts of them that don’t feel good about who they really are.
It is time for your Self to step up and take leadership over all these parts.Who wants to start the climb up?
I am ready to start the climb up.
I am ready to start the climb up
So here are some of the options for you. The one I recommend most is to join my facebook group so you can learn and grow. We also have a private program but that is only for people who understand the process first because I believe that therapy is too serious an undertaking for people to just plunge into without liking and trusting the therapist. My FB group is at https://facebook.com/groups/Loveyourselfloveyourmarriage.
If you don’t like FB, you can read the material here on this website in the replay library https://drdeb.com/love-yourself-love-your-marriage-library. Then reach out to me.