I was on the phone with a woman who was desperate to fix her marriage and my heart broke for her. But I knew I would not be helping her. She started off telling me the names her husband called her and then I was thinking, “I work with verbal abusers; no problem.”
She told me the incidents of violence and I was thinking, “Okay, that can happen to the best of us; we can lose it sometimes.”
She told me how he didn’t like any idea if she had it before he did, and I was thinking, “That kind of arrogance means he doesn’t believe enough in himself; I can help him with self-esteem and self-love.”
And of course I was thinking, “This poor woman only knows abuse; I can help her with her self-esteem, too.”
But then she told me that they had been seeing an excellent therapist a number of years ago for quite a few months. She said the therapist was not afraid of confrontation, so he told her husband point blank that abuse was wrong. And her husband said, “No, it’s not. Sometimes it’s called for.” The therapist vigorously disagreed. He stood up for right and wrong. And the husband never returned.
So that was that.
A person who would not listen to the difference between right and wrong I cannot work with. That degree of arrogance, that degree of being headstrong is evil.
• So that’s one category of person there’s no point in me trying to work with: Someone who not only knows it all, but justifies abuse. He would never listen and I would have wasted his wife’s hopes. I wouldn’t do that.
• There’s another category of person that makes no sense to waste time with: The person who won’t listen to me.
That kind of person is not evil, but if he won’t listen, where are we going?
I no longer will see arrogant people, as I did for many, many years, hoping something positive will magically “rub off” because they know I have the best of intentions when their own attitudes are so headstrong that they won’t follow my advice. I do them no service by catering to their weak sense of self by tip-toeing around telling them the truth.
Someone else may think that I do no service by chasing them away as that previous therapist did to the woman who was speaking to me. I will take issue with that. The therapist taught both of them that there is something called “right” and that we must stand up for it. It was a message to her that she needed to hear. Clearly, it made an impression as she recalled it well enough to tell it to me.
• Here’s another type of person that I no longer will work with: The uncommitted. Please don’t show up week after week and tell me you didn’t do the homework. I once had a guy who resented getting homework. Well, what are you here for? Just to think? Or to take action?
If you don’t know how to take the kind of action that will benefit you – whether it is having a successful conversation where you really do communicate well to each other, or whether it is crafting a thorough and complete apology for the hurts you’ve dished out – then what is the point of talking “about” it? There’s talking which is good; it helps to get ideas clear. There’s thinking, which is certainly good; it helps to mull over things sometimes to put them in context. And then there’s doing.
Doing is the best of all. It’s putting the thoughts into action so that you and those you love experience something better than before. Doing something different is engaging with the ideas and making them real, tangible.
Now, learning new things is hard. It’s not only hard because it’s difficult sometimes to comprehend things that you’ve never thought before. It’s also hard because it can be a bit ego-bruising to realize there’s so much you need to learn that you didn’t know.
I understand that. I do.
But that doesn’t let you off the hook. I’ve had things to learn, too. Plenty of them. Not so pleasant things, either. So what? Don’t connect your ego to it and you will survive. In your own mind, don’t make it about your “deficits.” Don’t go there; just commit to doing the work. Make the changes you need to make and make them with joy because you’re saving your marriage.
One more thing: You’ve got to be resourceful. A person who just wants to play victim and complain to me right away before even giving any thought to figuring out how to apply my ideas is not my ideal client.
So who is a good candidate for my program? Someone who is 100% committed to doing the work – all of it – to save the marriage. Someone who will actually be open-minded about doing it; that is, not only will they do it, but they will do it willingly and with interest and enthusiasm.
If you fit that description, then there’s an excellent chance I can help you put the process into gear to save your marriage. Book a call with me to find out. https://drdeb.com/book.