“Well, what do you want, Monica?” the therapist patiently asked his new client.
Monica was baffled. She didn’t even know.
Years of being beaten down, first by a parent who always knew better than anybody else, and then by a husband who shared some of those characteristics, did it.
She did not know what she wanted.
Her head was filled with silence – for once.
Usually, there was a stream of inner chatter telling her what she did wrong.
Note that the chatter never had any good ideas about what she should do, just what she shouldn’t.
That’s because the chatter came from frightened childhood parts of her that remembered scenes that were terrible – and those parts of her certainly didn’t want to repeat that.
But the “she” that she was and still is, got buried under all the episodes of fear and humiliation.
How to dig it out?
1. What Excites You?
When the therapist asked Monica what excites her, she said “nothing.”
But – he’s my kinda guy – he was persistent and asked, “Well, I get that. But was there maybe a second in the day, sometime in the last week, that did excite you, even if it didn’t last?”
And then he was quiet.
So Monica sat, reflecting on the last week.
Suddenly she did brighten.
A glow swept over her face and she said, “Actually, yes, there was. Since this is a holdiay time, I decided to have my extended family and a few friends over for dinner. I worked really hard, too, making sure there was something even the picky eaters would like. And it worked! Everyone loved the food.”
Monica’s whole demeanor remained changed for those moments of recollection.
“Nice,” the therapist commented. “So you enjoy cooking? Or just the result?”
“Mostly the result,” Monica laughed. I do like good food, but I especially like feeding hungry people!”
“What about yourself?” the therapist continued. “You like good food. Are you worth cooking for?”
Monica thought a minute and replied in the affirmative. “I just haven’t done much for myself, though,” she admitted.
The therapist let that thought hang there. Being an IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist meant that he knows that each person does have the answers within them; it’s more about helping create space for those answers to come out than coming up with them himself.
Finally, Monica smiled, a kind of mischievous smile. “Y’know,” she said, “I really ought to make time to make some things for myself that I like.”
For Greg, it was something else.
Greg was in pretty bad shape after his breakup. As a result, his business was getting neglected and he didn’t seem to care. That’s depression, right?
But Greg also knew that allowing himself to sink was counterproductive. He asked himself, “What can I do to turn my business around?”
He used to love coming up with ideas for his business, so although he didn’t feel like it, he allowed his thoughts to roam over in that direction.
Sure enough, just giving himself permission to think of things that used to excite him did the trick. First he had one idea, and then another.
2. Revisit Your Old Self
I remember when I had four little kids and was busy just being a mother. My husband thought I should go back to granduate school and I thought he was crazy.
But that idea was nagging at me and I went out to the garage and opened a file cabinet full of my papers from my Master’s degree. I hesitantly pulled out a paper and started reading. My heart was pounding…
Finally, my hands shaking, I finished the paper.
“She was good!” I thought.
But wait. That was me.
Wow. That was me?
Yes, and it still must be.
That’s how I ended up going back to grad school.
“DrDeb, this all sounds so easy” you might be thinking, “but how do you get there?”
What Monica and Gregg discovered is that underneath the feelings of numbness, depression, and being lost is a beautiful Self.
A Self that is rich in ideas, excited to go forward, and connected to the world and to themselves.
We all have one.
But it’s often covered up because circumstances create automatic “helpers” that aren’t very helpful.
Depression, for example, was meant to be a helper, originally. As a child, when Greg faced hard times and no one was there to comfort him, he could comfort himself by feeling down: He gave himself company that way.
When Monica was stuck in school and felt stupid, she could comfort herself by simply feeling lost in general. That way, it wasn’t her intelligence that was at fault – she was just lost.
All of our coping mechanisms had a good purpose when they came into our lives.
But then again, we were kids at the time. Those coping mechanisms have outlived their usefulness. Not only that, but the coping mechanisms are really burdens for those parts of us that have to keep resorting to them.
Life would be so much easier if these burdens could be dropped.
To get a clear picture of this, imagine how much more lovely life would be if Monica didn’t automatically go to confused and lost but instead automatically went to what excites her and who she was before she got beaten down.
Or how much happier Greg would be if instead of falling into depression, he recalled the things he loved about his business and turned to that first for comfort.
This is one step in solving marriage problems: Find and be who you really are, first. Because from that place of Self energy, you can understand your spouse and hear them – and they can reciprocate.
Want help finding your voice? Reach out to me at drdeb@drdeb.com, or start by watching the webinars on my website, DrDeb.com