Someone asked me recently if I believed in pre-marital counseling for young couples with strife in their relationship. I said, “Absolutely not; they should break up.” If they are in pain and they have not yet gotten married I can only assume that one or the other does not have the tools to get along. The tempers, the blame, the second guessing, the lack of patience, and other behaviors like that are not good.
Why should a young person start a new life with pain? Why should a young person introduce a child into a home of hurt? And most important, why should a young person be responsible for correcting the flaws in another person who is a stranger?
But once people are married, everything changes.
One does become responsible for the other; one is the friend of the other. If you are on the end of receiving pain from a spouse, then you have two reasons to help this spouse: first, to stop your own pain, and second, to encourage this other person to take steps to be a better person.
“But, Dr. Deb,” you want to ask, “can anyone really change another person?”
Here’s my answer: The myth is that we can’t change others, only ourselves. Our own stories tell us the opposite. Have you not been affected by a good article? A mind-opening discussion? Music? Prayer? Of course we have! Once years ago, when I was going through a long period in which I thought I was too busy with children to pray, I went to a tea during which some women spoke. One recited a poem about prayer. And it affected me so powerfully that the very next morning, I took time for myself to pray and have been saying it ever since. Just from a poem!
If random things like someone’s poem can change your life, then surely you are in a great position to have a positive effect on the person you are with. If you don’t think it’s possible then you have not been using all of the tools at your disposal. Indeed, science shows that humans need and want each other so this indicates to me that we are, indeed, capable of affecting each other.
Yet, this is a world of very difficult people. It is not easy.
Then the first two people find each other who were bound to have conflicts and sure enough, they weren’t married one day, and boom! They get into trouble. So, yeah, it’s difficult.
Now, you are going to tell me that your spouse is beyond change. The truth is that anyone who wants a better life can make it so. Sometimes, yeah, we need help to get there. That’s true, but it is not impossible.
Most people are not equipped to do that job themselves. That would be like saying that if your spouse is physically sick, you can’t treat them. Obviously not. But you certainly can rush them to the doctor. In addition, there are things you can do yourself:
- Don’t be angry back. It is so tempting to meet anger with anger – and such a mistake. All it breeds is anger, not peace. And your goal is peace and happiness.
- Be patient. Helping your spouse unlearn a lifetime of bad ways of thinking or reacting takes patience and will need repetition, lots of it.
- Remember the love you had. When you are miserable, go in your head to the good that was there and keep your focus on that. Focusing on the misery you feel now will not help one bit.
- Be strong. If you start doubting yourself, if you start believing things about yourself that bring you down, you can neither help yourself nor your spouse. I am certain marriage is one of the reasons we have to be strong!
- Get help. There are lots of resources out there and some are free but excellent. Many websites have tips; there are great books in the stores and online. And I’m always here to help you.
And there are ways you can get your spouse to agree to get help or be helped:
- Say, “We’re not happy” or even “You’re not happy” rather than suggesting that your partner has a personal problem or saying, “I’m not happy.”
- Take responsibility. If there is some part of the problem that you really could be contributing to, admit it. It’s very human to make mistakes and showing that side of yourself sets a good example.
- Leave helpful material visible. I’ve heard that people have left copies of pages from my book on the kitchen table for “someone” to discover.
- Ask, “What would you like me to change?” While that requires a lot of bravery, it’s powerful. When you’ve worked on something in yourself for your spouse it makes it a lot easier to ask for reciprocity. And then you can always say you need professional help to accomplish your goal.
Don’t think for a moment that I’m saying this process is easy. It isn’t. And it could take as much as three years. But the result is a healthy, happy, loving relationship. And that’s better than divorce even with all the work.