Great question! Thank you for this suggestion!
I don’t think most people are compatible. My daughter and my son will chat about their legal cases as they’re both attorneys. My daughter’s husband is bored to tears. He’s a computer person and just give him a chance to talk advanced security measures and he’s happy.
That’s when my daughter walks into the kitchen to “get something.”
And I’m bored with both sets of conversations because they have nothing to do with love and marriage, lol.
In fact, if opposites attract, then it makes sense that we’re attracted to someone who we are not compatible with, right?
So the easy-going person may realize at a deep, subconscious level, that he needs structure in his life and marries an organized person. That’s what happened to me. My late husband thought that organizing took too much time away from “getting important things done,” while I can’t function in chaos.
However, there are different kinds of compatibility and we’d better be talking about the right ones.
There is
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personality style compatibility
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values compatibility
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interest compatibility
If people’s oppositeness is in the area of style and interests it might add a little fun and zing to the marriage. We expand ourselves through being with someone who has different interests, and sometimes even different styles.
For example, my husband was a business man and I had no awareness of how the business world worked. But just by living with him, something rubbed off and I did develop that interest. That’s how come I’m always thinking of new ways to provide you with what I have to offer (the latest one, my Coaching program, is a great example).
On the other hand, when values are not compatible, people either try to change the other person or simply feel separate and alone. Values include religion, cultural mores, education, government, the role of women, and so forth.
However, there is a big, big caveat.
What if the person you’re with is not who you think they are?
What if all the behavior you see is a bunch of coping strategies that they learned over time, starting in early childhood, and neither you nor they even realize that there is more underneath?
That “underneath” stuff is untapped resources.
Now there is an easy test to find out if what you’re seeing is a bunch of defensive “parts” or a person’s true Self.
There are over 20 different characteristics of Self energy but we can select the 3 most critical ones in telling the difference:
1. Is your spouse often curiousabout you – or even themselves? Meaning, rather than make assumptions about your motives for things or your thinking process, do they ask with an open and curious tone?
2. Does your spouse show kindliness and compassion toward you and other people that he or she may have differences with? True Self energy doesn’t hold grudges and gets over minor quarrels.
In fact, when the problems are huge, a person with Self energy will try to reach out and connect in some way to bridge that gap.
3. Which brings me to connection. A super important aspect of Self is that feeling of being connected in a deep way to others. There’s something there after 30 years of a shared life. Something so significant that people on the brink of divorce would rather fix the problems than give up that “something.” That’s connection.
If, after giving this thought and perhaps even discussing it with your partner in life, you conclude that the curiosity, compassion, and connection are missing, then I have good news for you: It means that the real person has been hidden and they don’t know who they are.
And this may be true for you as well, by the way. Maybe you’ve both been hiding who you are.
Why the heck is this good news?
Because it’s high time, isn’t it, to uncover the hidden Selves of the two of you? And we can do that.
After all, wouldn’t it be wonderful to live fully, be happy and feel complete with every breath you take?
This is the question whether you stay in the marriage or not.
When your Selves are no longer hidden, you’re both open and vulnerable, ready to receive what is given.
And that process is exciting and regenerating.
That is why, when you do this work, it doesn’t matter how different you are from each other – because it becomes all about sharing who you are, sharing those differences.
In my 4-month Coaching Program going from disconnected to connected is one of the main things I help couples in long-term marriages with.
They’ve lost that connection with each other and I help them learn why and what to do to get it back. We also work on taming triggers – a huge topic – how to love yourself when you don’t, and getting past the past.
In the Coaching program you get the same material to learn as those people in the Immersion Experience. Comment below for links to learn more
Hi, I think you say a lot of great stuff I can’t say I agree with everything, but you certainly have your finger on the pulse of knowing the real issues. The hidden subsurface issues between couples. It’s like knowing and understanding life if you’re alive and you’ve had a relationship, or you listen to people with relationships it’s really all the same everybody wants to be somebody ,
But as the saying goes, you could bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I believe some people are broken and theoretically I know that you know how to fix them because you know what the problems are but just because you know how to fix them and know what the problem is, it doesn’t mean that you will ever fix them, Conversations could sometimes be so convoluted like a Thin gold chain all in a knot that could take you a month of Sundays till you can finally unravel the knot painstakingly ,tedious work. You need energy for it, not everybody is willing to do it. I once called you and had a brief conversation, I don’t have enough money for your program and my ( “wife “ technically still) doesn’t like you probably because she’s afraid of the truth and money not knowing what it would run her … and also because I found you from a suggestion from a friend etc … So that’s why we never signed up. I don’t even know if you really were available then but One thing, I think we both agree, conventional therapy is a waste of time and money. Keep up your good work. I think you do a good job actually I should be more generous. I think you do a very good job, may Hashem bless you,Be well, and thank you .
Thank you. I do agree, not everyone will enter my program because it is very frightening to face oneself. I do get that. I try to make the process as safe as possible. Also, I believe firmly that no one is bad or crazy, no matter how badly or drammatically they may act. I see those behaviors as normal defenses that people develop from the hardships they’ve been through.