Kim would work himself up into such a frenzy that he spit. When he was on a tirade, nothing could stop him. Even himself.
The “himself” is the saddest part of this because in his quiet moments he hated his anger and he hated himself for it, but he could not stop. Or it didn’t seem like he was stopping anytime soon.
His wife, Melanie, could not do it for him. He actually asked her more than once in one of his teary apologies for some help. But when he was like this, it made her nauseous to the pit of her stomach.
She thought a man who reduced himself to a frothing babble was beyond disgusting.
She had zero respect left for him and the only love that was left at all was more like the nostalgic feeling you get when they play taps at a military funeral. Just the tug of old times.
So add that to his self-hate.
Sure, Kim requires some compassion. Poor man can’t stop the cascade of anger that spills out of him. But it’s unreasonable to expect that Melanie could feel compassion for him when she is the constant target of his attacks.
The target – naturally – feels self-protective and not very compassionate.
Kim’s anger was frightening. His eyes blazed and his screams curdled her blood. She could feel her heart pounding. She wanted to run, but something kept her glued to the spot as he went on, exhausting himself.
Maybe what kept her stuck there was the pleasant surprise at the end that this wizard was just a little man behind the curtain. Because a half hour later or a day later, whenever it was, when he broke down in apologies, he was just a man. A little man almost in tears. There was relief there for Melanie.
So she was anchored to the spot, hearing all this horrible stuff about herself and unable to just leave.
What a horrible way to live. Two people stuck in one person’s anger.
There were no good times. There were no real conversations. There was no depth to the marriage. The so-called marriage.
Now, I have good news for both Melanie and Kim.
Kim, you do not have to be a slave to these moods. If you’ve tried everything and nothing worked, I have tools that do work. One of my most important tools, which I call Taming Your Triggers, is recognizing that your reactions are out of your control because they are the result of a physiological process – and what you can successfully learn is how to take control of your own body’s physiology. In short, it’s controlling your autonomic nervous system. Without drugs.
Melanie, I have tools for you as well. You’ve been traumatized by this. First, and most important, you have to heal. You have to get the cruel words out of your head. You have to know how come you allowed yourself to listen, to hear them. You need to learn enough self-protection to end conversations like that. That will be your Self-Validation process.
Second of all, you have the option of learning how to let your humanity back into your heart so you can feel compassion for your husband. He’s suffering from something that, right now, really is out of his control. You will even learn – if you want to – to see his growth and let that be a source of respect for him. Because that elevates you as a human being.
You see, Melanie, there’s a difference between keeping away emotionally from someone so as to protect yourself and allowing yourself to feel compassion for them without d losing your own identity.
Then you can each speak your truth in a way that uplifts the marriage and deepens the connection. I call it Compassionate Honesty.
We do all that in my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching program with 1:1 and joint therapy.
My job is to help you sort it out and help you see the path I could guide you on, both of you. So decide exactly what you want: Do you want to work this out together? Or do you each just want to heal and gain control over yourself by yourself? Either way, I am here for you and we can talk about your situation.
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