70% of divorces are initiated by women. Why is that?
It seems that the old saying is true, “happy wife, happy life.” Do men have simpler needs? Are women harder to please? What’s going on?
Strength
One truth is that for centuries, men have thrown their power around. They’re heavier. I mean, physically: they weigh more. They have been able to get away with bossiness because their wives may be physically afraid to try and stop them.
And get this: People with deeper voices get more respect.
So even when the man has never actually been violent, if he gets angry, he becomes frightening.
But, when it comes to verbal abuse, women are equal-opportunity attackers.
Not so with physical abuse. There, men, because of their size alone, inflict more damage than a woman could (unless she is armed).
So, ironically, the body mass and strength of the man — which was meant to protect a woman — can turn against her.
Combine that with hurtful words, dismissiveness, or implicit threats of abandonment, and we have a recipe for women to be afraid of the connection with their husbands.
Earnings
Then there’s another thing that favors men: money. Men make more.
Women often settle for careers that are less demanding of their time so that they can be home to care for their children. Unfortunately, in our society, money earned equates with more power.
And that automatically leads to more voice in the relationship — although this is not logical and shouldn’t happen.
It certainly shouldn’t be that way, and it seems quite unfair, but that’s the way it is.
I remember challenging a guy who felt that he had more say in what happened in the marriage than his wife simply because he made more money. I asked him why.
“Because, that’s the way it is!” he said, proudly, using the logic that my five-year old grandson enjoys.
I think the reason that it is this way is because if you make more money then you can withhold it.
This is downright mean but I suppose no less mean than threatening physical harm just because you’re bigger and stronger.
Interestingly, when the shoe is on the other foot and the wife makes more, she will often hold that over the head of her unfortunate spouse.
A couple I know that was mutually abusive is in court now over custody. Not only is the wife a better earner but because of that she was able to pay for better lawyers. Of course the lawyers spent their valuable time writing documents to be filed in court against her husband who didn’t have a chance.
The way I see it, in that particular case, he should get the custody; he is the better parent.
It is human nature to use our power if we can.
And the person with the power is the least motivated to look at himself and wonder if he needs improvement. Why should he? He has it nice and cushy without looking at himself too much.
The only thing a woman has that she can hold over the head of her man is her presence in his life.
Men Need Their Wives
He doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs her. He needs her for all the reasons that he doesn’t want to admit it!
He needs her sweetness, her innocence, her weakness. These all make him feel good and strong in comparison. He may even be jealous of these qualities simply because he doesn’t have them. It is also human nature to want what we don’t have.
He also desires her presence if she is nurturing; he might never have received nurturing from his mother.
He is naturally attracted to her beauty as well. So for men, it is an easy call: The wife he’s got will do fine, especially if she doesn’t challenge his authority.
But not so, women.
What Women Want
Most of all, women want to be heard.
They want to be understood and valued.
They’re okay with the size thing and the money-as-power thing as long as these are not held over their heads.
In fact, they often like the idea that a man has that power – provided it’s used the way it ought to be. When my great uncle died at 99, his wife cried, “He was my rock!”
Women also want to be cherished and cared for.
But, see, the way power boomerangs is that if men are used to using it, they might pay attention to what they need to do to make their wives happy.
They’re too busy doing the wrong thing to get what they want.
The reality is that they will get everything they want provided they’re not selfish. Use power to protect, and put the rest of their energy into being givers.
If this is difficult, I understand. Of course it would be for people who never thought about anything that way. But that does not make it impossible. I will hold your hand – I will hold both your and your partner’s hands and help you get there.
Find out exactly the steps you can take on a free call with me. https://drdeb.com/book.
In that call, we will go over my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching as well as 1:1 and joint therapy program. From the very first module, people must tune into their – and their partner’s feelings, wants, and needs. The old days of tuning out will be gone.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)