The Love Yourself Love Your Marriage Immersion Experience is my top-of-the-line offering. It is for couples who so badly want to save their rotten marriage – and turn the frog into a prince – that they won’t settle for just reading a book or even taking a coaching call twice a week.
And they do not want a divorce.
Call it my BMW of programs, although it is not nearly as expensive – even for two people – as an actual car (BMW’s range from $35,000 to $50,000).
Why?
Because it will not only transform a bad marriage to a marriage that feels like it was actually made in Heaven, but the results will last; the changes will be strong and internal, kind of like once you’ve learned how to bike ride (or roller skate) you can’t unlearn it.
That’s because the changes are not dependent on thinking yourself out of bad places. The changes will be at a level that is governed unconsciously.
This is not at all as weird or woo woo as it sounds; it happens to all of us almost every day. For example, let’s say you liked a particular movie star a lot. Then you learned that they beat their child. To you, they weren’t this nice guy/gal that you thought they were. It would take no effort on your part to no longer feel the same positive feeling toward them. Your feelings simply changed. Automatically.
Similarly, if you were absolutely positive you hated a food and then, to be polite at your friend’s dinner party, you tasted it only to discover that it was delicious, well, then, your feelings changed, didn’t they? And it was without any thought or effort on your part.
So, too, when ways of being that you thought were “the real you” turn out to only be unpleasant coping skills that you had to adopt, and our time together reveals a much nicer “real you,” it would be natural for you to feel more comfortable being the real you than the coping methods that got you in trouble before.
Deep, automatic learning – as opposed to memorized learning – sticks.
Can you see that?
And here’s the beautiful part of it all: To make these deep, unconscious changes doesn’t require the therapist (me or my team) to “teach” anything.
We believe that each person is a wonderful person underneath their coping skills. They know right from wrong. It’s not that they need to learn how to be something new. Instead, what they need is to learn how to not be afraid to shed their coping skills and let their “real Self” shine.
But that is exactly what we do. We help people –
- First discovering who that “real Self” actually is & who it’s not
- Then learning to love that true Self simply because it is not those unwanted coping mechanisms
- Third discovering why the coping mechanisms had to come into their lives – and appreciating them for the protection they gave us.
- Finally, “taming” these coping reactions and allowing their true Self to handle things.
So what would that look like with couples?
When each person immerses themself in the Immersion Experience – through watching the videos, recording in their journal, thinking, reflecting, attending the two coaching calls per week, and of course, their intensive individual therapy – they go through the process above . . .
. . . and are able to have Self-to-Self conversations with each other.
Let’s follow James and Jennifer just through Module I to get a taste of the experience. Module I opens up feelings. James, if asked how he feels about the marriage, might say, “We fight a lot and I wish we didn’t.” But if his therapist asked him, “What gets the fight started?” he wouldn’t really know.
He might say, “Stupid things.” That’s what lots of people say. But then, why would “stupid” things be something to fight over?
The real answer is that they’re not stupid after all. Rather, each “thing” comes from a place of pain inside and it’s important for James and Jennifer to learn their sources of pain – and heal them. I give people an “Emotions Chart” to check in with through-out the day and identify what they’re feeling and what happened just prior to having this feeling so they can start to learn the causes of all their feelings.
James, with great surprise, discovers that he hates the feeling his wife is bossing him around. He didn’t even know that that is what bothered him when she would innocently remind him to take care of something he’d forgotten. Turns out that the reminder was a huge trigger for him.
Prior to our work, he didn’t even know that. Now, he’s discovered five or six triggers and where they came from – just in the first week of immersion in the program.
Thoughtfully, James says, “I shut down my feelings a long time ago.”
“Why?” asks the therapist. And James explains how much easier it was back then not to feel pain by getting numb and tuning out. . .
“What do you want now?” the therapist asks softly.
“To be part of my family,” James admits.
It’s a beginning. He knows that he has to re-connect to his own feelings in order to “get” everyone he loves.
Jennifer recalls that terrible, queasy feeling of not knowing what would be happening because if her father came home very angry, there would be a beating. And if he came home relatively more normal, he might put her down. She learned to be an A student, have place cleaned, and to even take care of the little ones to ward off his moods. So naturally, she wants to remind James of what needs to be done; getting things done is exactly how she’d stop trouble growing up.
See how this works? That is the beginning of an intense journey for both of them.
That means by the end of the Immersion Experience –
- Each person is open, honest, and vulnerable, not at all defensive anymore
- Each person truly wants to hear and understand the other
- Each person wants to share deeply who he or she is inside
- And there’s a true spiritual connection between them.
What happens to past hurts?
It takes time to heal those, but when each spouse understands deeply what they did that hurt and are truly regretful of it, it goes a long way towards healing.
Furthermore, when each spouse can be Self-led, they are able to receive feedback without becoming defensive.
Wow! Isn’t that a wonderful thing? What would that be like for you?
One more thing: If your spouse absolutely refuses to participate, or if you simply want to focus on loving yourself, then please check out my Immersion Experience for individuals at https://drdeb.com/love-every-part-of-yourself-immersion-experience.
What’s Next?
Watch the Webinar here, https://drdeb.com/marriage-webinar-signup
OR if you hate watching videos and you’d rather read, then go here, https://loveyourselfloveyourmarriage.drdeb.com.
Then email me to chat and answer any remaining questions, drdeb@drdeb.com