Jill was exasperated. “Trust me,” she said, “I tried everything so that I don’t start screaming. Believe me, I don’t want to be that kind of person!” she exclaimed emphatically.“Just so you know, I’m doing meditation for 5 years. It’s great – when I’m meditating. But oh boy, all I need is a word from Matt, even just that look on his face, and it’s over. My battle is over and I’ve lost it.”
“That’s tough,” I would say to all the people in Jill’s situation. “There’s a reason for that. When you meditate, you’re calming the cries of your inner children. But they remain traumatized by their memories and their fears. Would you like to start healing them instead?”Healing.
Now that’s a new idea.
Modern therapy says you shush up your inner voices because they’re just disturbing you.But maybe they have something to say?
And they will not keep quiet. They will get louder and more obnoxious if you ignore them or shush them up.
And that is good.
If there are parts of you that need to heal, then they should heal and not be shushed up. In fact, regarding the topic of taming our triggers: The more triggered we are and the more easily we’re triggered, it means there are a number of hurt inner children that are demanding to be heard – so they can heal, already.This is the key point that I want to make to Jill.
Jill: What do you mean, healing? What does my blowing up have to do with healing?Me: Well, it’s not really You that’s blowing up. It’s the little kid inside who doesn’t want to be dismissed.
Jill: What?Me: Jill, when you were a little kid, did someone make you be quiet ‘like a good girl’?
Jill: Yes, actually. I wasn’t allowed to be frustrated or unhappy, especially if my mother was in a bad mood, her mood was more important than mine.Jill looked a bit teary.
Me: So, that made you both sad and also angry, I’m guessing?
Jill: Yes, both, exactly.Me: And that little girl is still there, deep inside, still sad and still angry. Can you sense that that is true?
Jill: You’re right. I can tell she’s in there, still sad and still angry.Me: Can we rescue her? Get her out? So she can be a kid again?
Jill: Are you kidding, DrDeb? How do we do that?Me: Let’s do it! Just close your eyes; can you see her?
Jill: I do. I see her little outfit. I feel her frustration.Me: Does she know you’re there?
Jill: Yes, oddly enough, she does.Me: Great. Ask her to tell you what she needs to tell you.
After just a moment of silence as Jill is focusing inward, she starts to cry softly.It truly feels good for her younger self – the child that she wanted to forget about with all the pain she experienced –
– it truly feels good for that child to finally talk and for someone – Jill – to listen.
When the child is finished unburdening herself, I coach Jill to ask the child inside whether there is anything Jill can do to make it better for her.Jill: She tells me that I need to tell off mom!
Me: Well, go ahead.
So Jill, inwardly, does that for the little girl. And that too, feels so good.Jill also helps her child burn the painful feelings and then leave that scene completely.
Our imaginations are powerful and this has a tremendous healing power. Jill will visit daily with her little girl who is now in the present with her.That little girl, freed of the experiences she went through is now able to laugh and sing, play, and create. Because that’s what children do best, and she can bring that into the adult Jill’s life.
From a place of feeling unburdened and more lighthearted, the same triggers will no longer trigger Jill.When your mind is at peace with no loose ends unattended to – no inner children crying in pain – it’s a whole lot easier to handle the curveballs of life.
Obviously, there’s a lot more to what Jill and I have to do in order to cover all her bases with her triggers.For example, what, exactly was Matt doing that always triggers her? And what happened in her childhood that was just like that?
Maybe there are several little girls to be rescued, girls in different scenes at different ages. Maybe things were said that should never be said to a child.The rescue itself is more involved, too. There is so much that child was experiencing that needs to be attended to – all hurt feelings need to be healed. Or feelings of fear or shame.
Every one of them needs addressing.
Only then can Jill say she tried everything. But when she experiences this, her triggers will be tamed.Who wants the inner peace that Jill now has?