Forget about love being gone. You’re way past that. You hate your partner and you want out. You hate your partner because he/she:
- stifles your identity; you feel crushed; you no longer know who you are
- is cheating
- says things that really cut, often insisting he/she didn’t mean to hurt you
- neglects you; you feel invisible
- controls everything until you have no energy left to stand up for yourself
I am here to tell you three things: First, your feelings are normal. Second, underneath your hate is love. Third, you have the power to transform the relationship.
FIRST, YOUR FEELINGS ARE NORMAL
If you believe in evolution, you could say that we must survive. In order to survive, we must protect our Self. In order to do that, we must reject whatever is toxic to that Self. That means that if we perceive that we are being mistreated, that’s a good first step. It identifies the toxic substance.
To perceive it and then reject it makes perfect sense. That’s basic survival.
From a spiritual perspective, it’s even clearer: Your soul has been injured and as the Talmudic statement goes, “Words from the heart enter the heart.”
This is true for kind words and mean ones. They are potent healers and they can be incredibly corrosive. Corrosiveness kindles hate just as healing kindles love. This is how our most basic emotions function.
SECOND, UNDERNEATH YOUR HATE IS LOVE
Love is composed of many things. Hate is also composed of many things but “the absence of love” is not one of them. A feeling cannot be the absence of something–with the exception of numbness or depression.
Clearly, hate is not equivalent to these. What numbness and depression have in common is a “lack of.” That is, these two feelings somehow have a lack of something whether it’s a lack of energy to do something about your situation (depression) or a lack of feeling (numbness).
Hate, unlike depression and numbness comes with a lot of energy; it’s full of anger, a willingness to rip someone to pieces if only the law allowed it. How can this mask love?
Hate for a spouse grows from a soil of disappointment.
The disappointment is for expectations not met. The greater your love, lust, excitement, and anticipation on your wedding day, the greater the disappointment when your expectations are not met.
The disappointment is that much greater when you thought your expectations were realistic, normal, or in keeping with promises made, but what you got instead was bad treatment.
Shall we call what you received abuse? The list at the beginning of this article fits that description. You don’t have to call it that if that tag feels uncomfortable. It makes very little difference what you call it.
You were crushed by disappointment from someone who seemed to promise otherwise.
Now, you hold in your heart two opposite feelings: the initial expectations, filled with love and excitement – and the disappointment. Combining them is the fact that you see no reason for that disappointment; you feel that you are owed whatever it was that was not delivered.
It is this belief, the conviction that you were gypped, that fuels the hate.
Were it not for the conviction that you were supposed to be treated differently, that all signposts in your relationship pointed to a vastly different outcome, you would not feel this hatred.
If it were clear your partner was a cruel person, you would not have given him your love in the first place. Underneath your present hate is the disappointment in love.
This is the reason why many divorce cases languish for years in court. They cannot settle because the “love account” – the unmet expectations from the marriage – remains empty. This is true even for people who marry again and know their second spouse loves them. This is a terrible place to be!
THIRD, 5 STEPS TO TRANSFORM THE RELATIONSHIP
It’s a far happier place to be when you can get those unmet expectations met in your marriage. The hate evaporates rapidly; that is the nature of emotions.
1. If you recognize that you are being mistreated, you have taken the first step to transform your relationship.
2. If you understand that the hate you feel comes from the justified disappointment you have over expecting love in return for your love and not getting it, you have taken the second step.
However, there is another truth here: Your partner doesn’t treat you right because he or she was not treated right; it’s not because he wants to be mean, even if he says so.
Why do I say this? When people don’t feel their needs are being met, they react. If they have good coping skills and know how to be assertive, they react constructively. If they don’t, they react destructively. Your partner hurts you because he doesn’t know how to get his needs met. He needs the education he never got growing up.
3. The third step, then, is to recognize that what you really hate is the way you’ve been treated.
As soon as you start to feel angry at him or her, remind yourself that your partner doesn’t know better. He’s reacting badly because he wasn’t taught better. That is true even if his or her parents are the nicest people; they needed more than to be good examples in order to get the message through to your spouse.
4. The fourth step is to speak up.
You’ve got to be assertive which means firm, clear, brief, and civil. Assertive does not mean slinging it back no matter how tempting that is. In doing this, it’s important not to throw the kitchen sink at your partner. Select the most pressing requirement first.
5. Number five transforms both of you together: Look for improvements.
Don’t be afraid that positive feedback for small changes will cause your partner to rest on his laurels. Having behaved toxically for so long, your partner probably hates himself. He needs to form a better view of himself as much as you need to form a better view of him.
This step requires patience. It is not a quickie. But keep at it, please! Every time you become impatient, remind yourself of your friend whose divorce process has been going on and on and on with no end in sight.
Three things result when you start looking for the good: You’ll see it more than you used to even if the amount of it were to remain the same; you’ll actually get more of it because people respond very well to positive reinforcement, and you’ll feel a whole lot better. You’ll feel better because you’re going in a positive direction and you’ll feel better because you will be treated better.
AS YOUR NEEDS GET MET, THE HATE EVAPORATES
There’s room for love. Be open to feeling a new feeling for the partner you used to hate: Respect.
You will be surprised at the efforts he or she is making—and very pleased. In that soil of surprise and pleasure respect can grow. Respect for someone who is actually nice and paying attention to you can make you giddy.
That was the idea.