There is never going to be a time without high drama and emotions in blended families. If you’re going to marry someone with kids, be prepared.
Why?
Because kids were meant to have a stable relationship with both parents under one roof.
This is even true within the animal kingdom, where, impossible as it may seem, many animal pairs have the instinct to stay together to rear their young.
So, when a divorce comes about, don’t lie to yourself that the kids will be “fine.” They are not fine.
The problem worsens when the parents are in high conflict with each other because the children don’t learn the art of seeing the world through another’s eyes – the essence of empathy and compassion.
This is a good example of the message I’ve been giving in these posts that we develop protectors when we’re young and our Selves go underground, maybe never to be seen again in our lives.
Children’s protectors can look like anger, whininess, defiance, contempt, physical illness, eating disorders, use of substances, hanging out at night, and so forth.
The problem is worsened by the fact that the children wish to either punish one of the parents or both for what they’ve done.
That means their protectors will put up a very strong resistance to anyone trying to reach through the haze to find the children’s Selves.
Honest conversations won’t work because the protectors are at the gate, watching, making sure that kindly adults don’t penetrate their defenses.
So What Can The Adult Who Married Into This Family Do?
Start by putting into your mind the principle that the child is basically good.
When the kid is taunting you, cursing, walking out and slamming the door, that is more than difficult. It may send you to tears. It seems impossible.
Yet, please understand that all the acting out is a sign of pain, confusion, fear of disloyalty, anger at the situation, and hopelessness.
Remind yourself of that a hundred times a day so that you can be kind and empathetic.
I had a client who was angry at her own, natural child for her tantrums.
Until the day my client’s mother started ripping into her and she lost it with her elderly mother.
Then she got it.
We all have our protectors.
We all have our limits.
The best thing that could happen would be for your spouse and their ex to repair the relationship. This requires a very grown-up attitude: namely, that the injuries to the relationship cannot be repaired but the parties involved can let that go and move on.
This is the reason why I encourage people who want to divorce to engaged with me in marital coaching or therapy: because the divorce will be a whole lot easier emotionally that way.
To get to that “grownup” place, the ex-couple will surely need therapy and the good news is that some communities provide that as part of the divorce process so as not to injure the children even more.
As long as the parents are still fighting, expect the children to be emotionally raw and bleeding.
That means, you can’t just expect them to “act nicely.” Acting nicely would be a disloyalty to the parts of them that are in terrible pain. If a hammer drops on your foot, you’d shriek and maybe even curse. That’s normal.
That also means that you can’t have reactive anger. Sure your anger is normal.
But it’s not helpful.
For that you need to work on being kind to yourself. Please start devouring all the posts here on Self Love. That is the cure. And of course, take my coaching program to get some help.
What Does Empathy Look Like?
It means looking with a straight and serious face at the child and saying, “You’re right. It’s tough.”
See, you’re not agreeing with their behavior, only their pain underneath that behavior.
And it absolutely does not mean writing the children off or neglecting their physical and emotional needs.