Do you mean the word, “anything”? Really?
Because I would bet that you both agree that you wouldn’t want to make a few extra dollars by scamming little old men and ladies out of their life savings.
Right?
See, the real thing is not that you don’t agree on “anything.”
You do.
You share pretty much the same values: You value kindness, consideration, peacefulness, communication, and care for your children.
At the very least.
There’s possibly a longer list that is more personal to you that I don’t know about. But you definitely have the same values where it counts.
And that is all that counts.
The rest is gravy.
True, the roast always tastes better with the gravy but there are workarounds.
Research shows that if a couple shares the same deep values, the relationship has an excellent chance of working.
So, What’s Getting In The Way?
Protectors.
See, what you think is getting in the way is your values or what you have “in common” but that’s not the real story.
What’s getting in the way is that one or both of you is hiding behind your protectors which means you are not in Self energy when communicating.
For example, let’s say that this Thanksgiving coming up you would like to go to your mother for dinner and your husband doesn’t.
Perfect – and very typical – example, right?
In order to tease apart the so-called “differences” we need to get to know all our and our partner’s protectors and figure out how to appeal to them to operate from a place of Self.
Let’s say, for argument’s sake, the reason the husband doesn’t want to go to his mother-in-law is because he thinks she’s a narcissist.
(I hate that term, but oh well, I keep hearing people sling it around, so let’s go with it.)
The wife’s Self, on the other hand, may very well agree but has some protectors and inner children popping up to influence the decision making:
- The scared child part who just wants mommy.
We all have those, by the way. The only time we don’t is when we’ve had several healing sessions to unburden those inner children who are stuck back in old memories.
(For more on this, refer to the posts here in IFS – Internal Family Systems. Just do a search of the group or my website, drdeb dot com. For actual links, type in the comments below.)
There is no amount of rationalizing and being logical with inner children. That’s because, well, they’re children!
Enough said on that.
- The scared protector who is afraid to confront mommy.
Yes, sometimes our protectors are scared.
You may wonder: Well, how is being scared a protection?
Great question.
But it is.
Being scared little kids means that they got to run and hide when daddy came home drunk or just plain angry.
Being scared teenagers means that they snuck out the window in the middle of the night to get out of the house and hang out with their people.
Sometimes, being scared really is protective.
- The loyal protector who can’t abandon family.
This doesn’t come from being scared. This comes from a legacy that is passed down through the generations.
It goes something like this: “We Joneses stick together. The world is a dangerous place.”
This legacy can be a big burden. When people look at their family trees, they often see one generation after the other had drinkers or cheaters or divorces or suicides.
Those are legacies we don’t need.
They’re called “legacy burdens” for a good reason.
However, when the people who carry them aren’t aware of the fact that they’re holding onto them, they’re just plain stuck.
The only way out of this is to work with a coach (like me) who understands legacy burdens and can free you from them.
Then, on the other side of the equation comes the husband. His protectors might be:
- A Self-like protector who is proud of his values.
What’s wrong with being proud of your values, you might wonder?
Absolutely nothing. It’s great.
Self-like parts, though, are not Self and do not have the characteristics of kindness, perspective, wisdom, flexibility, intuition, and compassion that the Self has.
Self-like parts, as is true with any protector, are agenda-driven.
Therefore, they have blinders on their eyes to the Big Picture which comes from having a perspective on the situation.
What perspective would they have if they were in Self?
Well, kindness would mean saying, “I know you love your family just because they’re your family, but I object to them as you know.” – And it would be said in a soft, loving, compassionate tone of voice.
Wisdom would dictate that they both need help unraveling their protectors from their Selves.
That, in turn means that even if they had therapy before, it simply wasn’t going on long enough for the protectors to recognize that the Selves could, indeed, handle Life.
This is frequently the case.
The more traumatic and troubled a childhood, the stronger and more combative protectors are. It takes therapy patience to increase their trust in the Selves of the people they’re working so hard to protect.
It is absolutely not unusual for a person to require three years of therapy because – and this is a sad commentary on life itself – many people live a lifetime and die without ever having known that they even had a Self.
People may be so governed by protectors that a person would only know those protectors and not themselves. The protectors, in turn, would not realize there even was a Self that could lead the person with wisdom, confidence, and clarity.
- A terribly sad part who wishes and wants to be in a different relationship.
This is perfectly normal, but you can see that such a part would be stuck when there is an opposite part —
- A part that believes in marriage no matter what.
This is also a part and I have to tell you that this is not a bad thing at all. Having such a part gives us the strength to deal with the challenges of marriage without quitting.
I have such a part. I was married for 39 years until my husband died and they were not necessarily good years. But I stuck it out.
These two parts – the one that wants out and the one that refuses – are polarized.
Inner peace and serenity will never come when you suffer from polarized parts that run you. Self-energy is needed to listen to the agenda of each part with respect and then make a decision based on your own wisdom.
What’s The Solution?
This is what my coaching course is all about. Each person needs to know their parts, discover and relish their Self-energy, and take charge of the parts with love.
That’s a big, big job.
But do-able.
Dr. Richard C Schwartz, the founder of IFS, literally promises that it is possible and doable.
When you add into that the structure of my coaching course – with twice-a-week group Bounce Forward calls with me to resolve any questions you may have about what you’re learning, as well as videos to watch on your own time – you’ve got a winning combo.
The course also deals with finding your triggers because that is how we discover our parts, working individually to acquire Self-love and leadership of protectors in order to communicate with each other in a healthy way, and the rules of healthy communication.
You get four months at a ridiculously low cost and have the option to add additional time at the end. Comment below if you want me to DM you with more information.