“Maybe it’s the Fighting Irish in me,” Kelly said with an engaging smile, “but to answer your question, I prefer to get angry than to be civil and work assertively with someone who is bothering me.”
Well, that was honest.
Kelly came from a tough background. (Well, don’t we all in one way or another?) She was thrown around from family to family because her parents were split and it was just too difficult for any one person to manage kids and try to make a living too.
But the real “tough” part comes from the way she was bullied in school. It happens that Kelly was gorgeous, drop-dead gorgeous. This was through no fault of her own. It just was.
That was part of the problem. People often think a beautiful woman intends to show it off and take what she can get from it.
That was far from the truth. As a kid, she was always getting in trouble at home for not quite living up to whatever it was that was expected of her. As a student she was in trouble for being beautiful. The boys were frightened of what her face could do to them and the girls were threatened.
So, she got kicked around. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally.
With that kind of training program, you do learn to kick back.
So, on the one hand, Kelly was feisty, and on the other, just below the surface, was her uncertainty about herself.
As she explained, “When I’m in a rage, I feel like everyone who needs to listen is listening! I’ve got their attention. And I get my way. No one pushes me around.”
You can’t argue with those benefits.
It’s hard to feel safe enough in a tough life to let go of anger.
When we’re kids, anger is normal. It’s only as we get older that becomes a problem. That’s how anger gets started.
Babies need their cries, right? If a baby doesn’t cry, then we worry that there is something wrong with him or her. In fact, the part of the brain that registers “problems” (which Bessel van der Kolk calls the “fire alarm”) is actually oversized in babies.
It’s called the amygdala and it flares up very quickly and easily. Babies need so much, and somehow they “know” it although it’s not a conscious knowing. With the gentle touch and consistent care that parents give, the amygdala gets pruned back in the first two years of life.
But not every parent is gentle or consistent. Not every parent is even “there.” So not every amygdala gets pruned back to reasonable size.
Maybe that explains Kelly’s anger. Maybe she never got the chance to stop the crying baby in her.
But of course, that means that underneath the tough exterior, Kelly may not know who she is. She may even be wondering if there is someone in there at all.
And then of course, if she’s come to fear that there is no one inside, she will certainly want to cover that up. Especially from herself.
So what is the first and best step Kelly can take?
She needs to discover that there is someone inside. Here is what I’d imagine is inside of Kelly that is wonderful and good:
- Persistence
- Strength to carry on no matter the roadblocks and obstacles
- Integrity – meaning that she is consistent with her values and beliefs. An example is the honest answer she gave me at the beginning of this story.
- Will to live, valuing life itself and her place in it, however unclear that is.
That’s step one for Kelly.
Perhaps you and I can discover good qualities in you, too.
Next, she has to realize the power she has without the rages.
It all depends on what she says.
And I can help her with that too. How we say it is everything. People hear what’s in our hearts at the time.
Finally, she has to appreciate that she’s been through a challenging life and heal from the abandonment and rejection she suffered.
That means Kelly has to allow a part of herself to be okay with her soft and vulnerable feelings, her pain. Because denying it doesn’t make it disappear. And I can help her with that, too.
If you’re like Kelly in any way, maybe the time has come to stop the anger, take a look at your beautiful Self inside, and get the tools for real power.
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